Responding to Repeated Apologies for the Same Bad Behavior

Hello, you have A Way with Words. Hi, this is Casey from Dallas, Texas, and I’m calling with a question in responses to I’m sorry that are acceptable or appropriate that don’t imply the acceptance of actions.

It struck me that all of the conditioned responses I know of to I’m sorry are like, oh, it’s okay, or don’t worry about it, or no problem.

But the problem I’m having specifically is with people who are apologizing for things that they do all of the time.

Like at work, we have a couple people who are late pretty much every day, and every day they come in with some apology.

And at first I was like, you know, it’s okay or don’t worry about it or whatever, but I’ve gotten more and more frustrated with it.

And I don’t know how to appropriately show that without like a full, long conversation because we’ve had those full, long conversations as well.

And they didn’t work.

And they didn’t work.

And, you know, I think it’s something that some people just don’t have a sense of timeliness.

In a workplace, I feel like it’s inappropriate, and I don’t want to continue their thinking of, hey, this is appropriate, or this is okay.

Do you get the feeling that they’ve grown used to using the apology as a crutch, as if that forgives their shortcomings?

Yeah. Yeah. Like it’s a, well, I apologize, so I don’t know what the problem is.

Right. Right. I see that. I have seen that in the workplace as well, where some people, I guess, conditioned by their parents to believe that the apology made everything better.

Right. Right. Exactly. And it was a conditioned response to, you know, oh, I did something wrong. I should come in and apologize and then everything’s forgiven.

Yeah. Then I fixed it.

But it’s the first step. It’s apology and then working on your behavior.

Exactly.

So you’re looking for, what are you looking for exactly?

And are you a boss?

So I guess, well, kind of.

I am one of the head technicians at my office.

Okay.

But I don’t have full responsibility of these people who are completely late.

Got it.

So I’m not trying to assert authority.

I just want them to know that, yes, I’ve heard their apology.

Because I’ve tried to ignore their apology before and just pretend that it didn’t happen and then move on with the day so that I’m not saying, oh, it’s okay, but at the same time, not really having a big conversation about it.

So I’m looking for something and then they come back to me and are like, oh, did you hear my apology? And I’m like, oh, yeah. Okay, let’s move on. So something that maybe doesn’t connotate that the action is okay, but I’ve heard them and that kind of thing.

Yeah, I mean, the message that you want to convey is, I hear you, we can work around it this time, but I don’t want it to happen again because we don’t want to keep working around it.

And you don’t really want to have that conversation every single time. All right. How is this going to be different?

Exactly. Exactly. And so I don’t necessarily want to have a long conversation every time about, well, you’re late again.

But I just want them to know that it’s not acceptable to me.

Yeah.

And if your work is depending upon their work and your work is delayed because they’re late.

Yeah. And you’re more of a peer.

I’m wondering, do you have a supervisor over the two of you that you could?

Yes, we do. And we have a supervisor and she has discussed this before.

And we’ve even put in place like programs to reward good behavior, such as bonuses.

If you come in for three bucks straight on time and all that stuff.

But it doesn’t seem to be affecting anything.

Casey, I got to tell you, in these particular cases, you know what I usually say is words aren’t going to fix it.

As much as I believe in the power of words, I mean, witness this radio show, as much as I believe in persuasive talk, and sometimes there are certain people who are really receptive to just phrasing it the right way, framing it in the right way, I think you have done everything within your power to fix this, and there is no magic solution here.

It’s either you just grit your teeth and put up with it or they change their behavior or they get canned.

And that’s actually probably the best solution.

If you’re late to your job, that’s like one of the easiest defenses to fire somebody for.

Yeah.

Right?

Being late?

Yeah.

That’s kind of like the minimum requirement for a job.

Be on time.

Maybe right after wear clothes.

I don’t know.

Yes, I completely agree with you.

And, yeah, thank you for at least hearing my question.

All that you can do, I think, really is grit your teeth, seriously.

Choose your battles.

Choose your battles.

Yeah.

And maybe the late in the day you’re like, you find some work that you don’t want to do and it’s their work now because they made you work extra in the morning.

I mean, maybe that’s the way it goes.

Can you come to some agreement with them?

Like, I’ve got this task that I really hate. You’re consistently late. Will you do it for me as a way of showing me that you really truly are sorry?

Yeah, I can certainly come up with some ways to do that.

And I’ll talk to my supervisor and discuss maybe some solutions in that direction.

The good thing about this call, Casey, is that we’re going to crowdsource the answer for you.

I’m betting we’re going to hear from lots of people who have had similar situations and maybe they had better ways of dealing with it.

But I got to say, your manner and your presentation, everything you’ve told us clearly, and we’re just getting one side of this, sounds top-notch and professional to me.

It sounds like you did all the right things.

Excellent.

Well, thank you guys so much.

I really appreciate it, and I love your show.

Thank you very much.

Take care.

Thank you.

Hang in there.

And we’ll let you know what we come up with, all right?

All right.

Sounds great.

Cheers.

Okay.

Take care.

Bye.

Well, we know you want to help, Casey.

You have an opinion.

Maybe there are magic words that can help her solve this problem of the co-worker who’s late.

Maybe there’s a thing that she can say that will kind of put this all in perspective for that other worker.

We don’t know.

But if you have those magic words, send them to words@waywordradio.org or call us 877-929-9673.