Transcript of “How Best to Communicate Shared Grief”
Hello, you have A Way with Words.
Hi, this is Mandy. I’m calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Hi, Mandy. Welcome to the show.
Hi there.
So I had called in just kind of in a frustration state with words lacking around kind of grief and loss.
There’s kind of this blip, like, I’m sorry for your loss and, like, summary of what people are experiencing and, like, I know that you’re mourning or you’re grieving.
And I wondered if there’s maybe some better words out there or better ways to describe grief and that kind of thing.
So I wanted to get your thoughts.
Oh, what an interesting question.
What a good topic.
So you’re wondering what to say to someone who’s grieving?
So I’m a nurse.
I work in kind of a care coordination space.
And a lot of times I’m working with people who are experiencing some sort of grief.
And I try to acknowledge kind of what people are experiencing.
And we kind of sometimes that’s reflecting back what that person is saying.
And a lot of times I would say you’re grieving or, you know, that kind of thing.
And I wondered if there’s some more colorful language to use besides grieving that I don’t know if that makes sense.
Yeah. Yes, it does. It really does make sense.
And I know that in times of grief, people aren’t necessarily their best selves, right?
They’re not going to be the optimal speakers or be able to fabricate new language.
And they reach quickly for the cliches because the cliches are familiar.
Yeah, I’m thinking about the fact that to me it kind of doesn’t matter the language you use.
I remember when I lost my beloved mother and I don’t remember anything that anybody said to me then,
But I remember that people showed up, you know, love shows up.
And I think just being there, being present, I mean, because there is,
I mean, what can you say, really?
I mean, I know that in other languages there are a few options.
I know there’s an Irish phrase that literally translates as,
I don’t like your trouble, that I think is lovely.
I wouldn’t want to be reaching for a phrase from a different language at that point.
Yeah, you might not have the wherewithal even to do that.
It just wouldn’t come readily to mind.
Yeah.
I think there’s a Hebrew phrase that translates as I share your sorrow.
To me, I think sometimes that is a barrier for people.
People don’t know what to say.
They can’t start that condolence card or they don’t even show up for somebody.
And I really think it’s about just showing up and being there.
If not physically, at least through the kindnesses that you can do,
Like bringing over the covered dish or taking care of the yard for them while they’re grieving
Or, you know, handling the kids for an afternoon
So that the adults who are grieving can have some time to do that.
Yeah, absolutely.
I think there’s definitely the more important part is just showing up for people
And sometimes being okay with not knowing that you’re not going to be able to take away
The feeling that they’re having.
Right.
But just kind of being there with them.
And I wonder, too, maybe this is another question kind of related to this, but is there any words that you know that kind of summarize the, like, grieving unrelated to death?
So, like, grieving, like, function, loss of function, or, you know, a big change.
Oh, so if you lose a limb or go deaf, that sort of thing?
Yeah.
Yeah, or anticipatory grief.
If someone’s slipping into dementia or something like that.
Yeah, exactly. And kind of, you know, having had big changes in, you know, maybe you’re an athlete and suddenly you’re, you know, just undergoing general aging and not able to do the things that brought you joy at that time.
Kind of grieving the changes in life. I don’t know. It’s kind of, you know, sometimes there’s
Good ways to summarize or to reflect back what people might be experiencing in so many words.
And in this space, I find myself caught a lot of times.
Even if you’re practiced at it, it’s still difficult, right?
Yeah, yeah.
I would say, like Martha, I have one particular, the death of my brother is the one that still
Wounds many decades on. And I still even have a little bit of resentment about the
Cliches that people said because they seem so thoughtless. But that was the immature me. That
Reaction is left over from when I was a teenager and didn’t have any sophistication at all about
Grief. If that were to happen to me now, I would say that what I want most from people to say
Is nothing.
I really just need them to hold my hand
Or to hug me or pat me on the back.
And so I think the communication
That we’re looking for is about action.
You know, even subtle, gentle, small action.
And the words, like Martha said, are irrelevant.
Yeah, fair enough.
Well, I’m sure we’ll get a lot of response
From our other listeners,
But I want to thank you very much,
So for not only your work as a nurse,
But for calling us today.
Thank you. And thank you so much for taking my call.
Sure.
Appreciate it.
Take care of yourself.
Take care, man.
Thanks. You too. Bye.
We welcome your thoughtful responses to Mandy’s question.
What do you say in times of grief that sounds genuine, not cliched, and really conveys your thoughts?
Email words@waywordradio.org or send your thoughtful messages through our website at waywordradio.org.
