Writerly Insults

Sure, it’s scary to send your writing to a literary agent. But pity the poor agent who must wade through hundreds of terrible query letters a week! One of them shares excerpts from those hilariously bad query letters on a blog called SlushPile Hell. And get ready for some colorful conversation: Purple cows do exist–only they’re made with grape soda and ice cream. And yes, Virginia, there IS an English word that rhymes with “orange”!  Plus, catawampus, mesmerize, all’s I’m saying, plus messing and gauming.

This episode first aired October 18, 2013. It was rebroadcast the weekend of January 19, 2015.

Slushpile Hell Blog Letters

 A query letter from SlushPile Hell, the blog of a curmudgeonly literary agent, reads, “Have you ever wished you had represented the author of the Holy Bible and placed it with a publisher?” Erm, sure.

Fiddlesticks

 The exclamation Fiddlesticks!, meaning “a trifle” or “something insignificant or absurd,” goes back to the time of Shakespeare. It endures in part because it’s fun to say.

Stiletto Made of Sugar

 Dorothy Parker, known for her acerbic wit, was once described as “a stiletto made of sugar.”

Ocupado

 What do you say when you’re in a restroom and someone knocks on the door? Many people answer Ocupado!, which has made its way from bilingual signage–including old airline seat cards from the 1960’s–to common speech.

Miss Word Pageant Quiz

 Our Quiz Guy John Chaneski struts his stuff with a Miss Word beauty pageant for words beginning with “mis-.”

All’s I’m Saying

 All’s, as in the common clause all’s you have to do, isn’t grammatically incorrect.  It’s a valid contraction of the archaic construction all as.

The Writing is Final

 Another cocksure query letter received by the book agent at SlushPile Hell includes the line: “The writing is final, and I do not want it changed.” Okay, then.

Dead On

 The idiom dead on, meaning “precisely,” might sound morbid, but it makes sense. It’s a reference to the fact that death is certain and absolute.

Better Door than a Window

 When someone’s standing in front of the TV, do you shout, “Move over!” or something more creative? How about “Your daddy weren’t no glassmaker,” or “You make a better door than a window.”

Messing and Gauming

 Messing and gauming, meaning “dawdling and getting intro trouble,” comes from gaum, a term for something sticky and smeary like axle grease or mud. A baby with schmutz all over his face is all gaumed up.

No Arguing with Samuel Johnson

 Oliver Goldsmith observed that there was no use arguing with lexicographer Samuel Johnson, because “when his pistol misses fire, he knocks you down with the butt end of it.”

Mesmerize

 The term mesmerize, meaning to attract strongly or hold spellbound, comes from Franz Mesmer, the German doctor who purported to heal people by righting their internal magnetic forces.

Insure vs. Ensure

 Insure and ensure mean two different things now, but back when the U.S. Constitution was penned, they were interchangeable. Hence the line in the preamble to insure domestic tranquility.

Dog Wrote a Book

 Another overly optimistic query to the book agent at SlushPile Hell reads in part: “My dog has written a book on how to be a success.”

Purple Cows

 Gelett Burgess famously wrote I never saw a purple cow, but plenty of folks know a purple cow to be a grape soda float.

Rhymes with Orange

 There’s a proper noun out there that rhymes with orange, and it’s The Blorenge, a hill in Wales.

Catawampus

 Catawampus, meaning “askew,” can be spelled at least 15 different ways. It likely derives from the English word cater, meaning “diagonal. “

Jealous of the Grand Canyon

 J.B. Priestley once described George Bernard Shaw as being so peevish, he refused to admire the Grand Canyon because “he was jealous of it.”

This episode is hosted by Martha Barnette and Grant Barrett, and produced by Stefanie Levine.

Photo by Fredrik Rubensson. Used under a Creative Commons license.

Music Used in the Episode

Title	Artist	Album	Label
Cirrus	Bonobo	Cirrus	Ninja Tune
Horny Tickle	Clutchy Hopkins	Walking Bachwards	Ubiquity
Skull Session	Oliver Nelson	Skull Session	Flying Dutchman
On The Hill	Oliver Sain	On The Hill	Vanessa Records
Keep On Sockin’ It Children	Phil Flowers and The Flower Shop	Keep On Sockin’ It Children	A&M Records
One Note Brown	The New Mastersounds	Keb Darge Presents: The New Mastersounds	Cooker Records
Roctober	Clutchy Hopkins	Walking Bachwards	Ubiquity
Rock Dirge Pt 1	Sly Stone	Every Dog Has His Day	Selected Sound Carrier AG
Josus	The New Mastersounds	Tallest Man Records	Tallest Man Records
Freckles	The New Mastersounds	Breaks From The Border	Tallest Man Records
Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off	Ella Fitzgerald	Ella Fitzgerald Ella Fitzgerald Sings The George and Ira Gershwin Song Book	Verve