A psychotherapist in Burlington, Vermont, observes that couples in counseling together ask each other questions that are actually veiled criticisms. Such indirect communication was the topic of a spirited conversation on Metafilter. Much has been written about direct vs. indirect communication styles, or as it’s sometimes called, “ask culture” vs. “guess culture.” This is part of a complete episode.
Transcript of “Questions As Veiled Criticisms”
Hello, you have A Way with Words.
Hi, this is Betty Jo. I’m calling from Burlington, Vermont.
Oh, well, welcome to the show.
How can we help?
I’d like your comments or thoughts about questions that are not really requests for information, but have a hidden agenda, perhaps a criticism or complaint.
I’ll give you the most obvious example. I think everybody’s heard this one is, where did you buy this fish? You know, the person is not actually asking, where do you grocery shop? You know, it’s like there’s something wrong with the fish.
But some other questions there, a little more subtle, like, you know, why do you like that kind of music? Or what took you so long? You know, something, it’s a little more subtle. And it puts people in a corner. How can you, you know, there’s no right answer.
What got you to thinking about that?
Well, I’m a psychotherapist. And so often the anger conflict between people is hidden. And it comes out in these questions that aren’t really questions. So these are loaded questions.
Yep. And they have presumptions in them that are kind of hard to untangle because it is presented as a question. There’s judgment and there’s a hidden critique.
Yeah, so it sounds like that’s what you counsel couples to do, to pay more attention to that then.
Yes. And, you know, again, some techniques I’ve sought up are to say, you know, or I’ll have to think about that or just echo the question. You know, why didn’t I wash the dishes right away? You know, just to echo it back. But, you know, ways not to engage in a pointless argument.
Yeah. I mean, I think the bottom line is we just have to listen to more than the words. Pay attention to the context, right?
When you do pay attention to the context, one of my strategies, at least at home with my family, is to be the bomb-sniffing dog. But the bomb-sniffing dog, all that he does is he finds the bomb and he alerts people to it. But he doesn’t do anything else. He doesn’t try to diffuse it. He doesn’t throw bombs back. He doesn’t have any other method except just to point out, like, when you ask that question that way, that sounds like an accusation.
On Metafilter, which is a site that I love, it’s a discussion forum, they often talk about ask culture versus guess culture. And I think that comes into play here where the ask culture literally is asking what they want. They’re saying, like, where’s the lemonade? Because I’m going to pour myself some. And the guest culture says, this would be a great day for lemonade.
Yeah, exactly. They expect you to guess, right?
Metafilter?
Metafilter, yeah. But Google ask culture versus guest culture, because that’s going to get you a whole bunch of stuff that’s been written about this topic, even outside of Metafilter. But there was a great article in The Guardian about it, for example, just this idea that some people are direct and some people are indirect, and lots of conflicts in relationships come from these two cultures’ butting heads.
That’s fascinating, and I appreciate the references.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, maybe you can share that with your clients.
Yeah, check it out.
All right. Thanks so much for asking.
You’re welcome.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
