What Makes a Good Apology?

Hi there, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, this is Mendy from Dallas, Texas, and I have a question regarding apologies versus saying I’m sorry.

Oh, yes, please.

A little while back, I got into a very small spat with a friend of mine, and I called them out on it.

And they immediately set to correct the issue by saying, oh, I apologize.

And that took me aback because I felt like saying I apologize versus I’m sorry was a bit dismissive and maybe not necessarily felt as genuine as it maybe could have.

So when I said that to my friend, they came back with saying something along the lines of saying I’m sorry is what you do when you bump into somebody’s cart at the grocery store versus saying I apologize is when you actually mean it.

I’d never heard that before, so I’m wondering if one of us is correct or not or what the deal is.

And did your friend add anything besides I apologize?

Oh, that was my question, too.

No.

Mm-mm.

Okay.

No?

No.

And did they add anything later?

Did they elaborate on why they were apologizing at any time?

I forget the exact thing that caused the thing, but what got me to be like, hey, this isn’t right, call them out on it.

They had said settle down to me.

And I was like, okay, well, that’s not, you know, that didn’t feel good.

So that’s what started and kicked off this whole thing.

The I apologize came, and then, yeah, I was like, okay, well, that felt dismissive.

Why didn’t you just say you’re sorry?

Because, you know, when you say you’re sorry, at least in my world, you know, that is, you know, more genuine feeling and contains the amount of remorse, I guess, for lack of better terms.

I think you’ve hit on something important that we need to break down here, and it’s the in my world part of this.

There’s no one universal format for apologies that is always received the same way by everyone, not even in a particular family, for that matter, but definitely not across the larger culture, even in larger communities.

So really what Martha was getting at with her question, and it’s the same question I was going to ask right away, which was, did they say anything else after I apologize?

Because I apologize isn’t the whole statement that’s required.

It’s the introduction to where you’re going to take responsibility for having done something to offend or hurt the other person.

It’s the start of a conversation, not the end of the conversation.

I see.

And it’s the same for I’m sorry.

I’m sorry alone doesn’t do the job.

But when you’re in the grocery store anyway, I don’t know about you, but in my grocery store, you just say sorry.

Right.

It’s kind of upbeat and friendly, and it’s just that one word, and you move on.

Right.

You don’t say, I apologize.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, this is a very good friend and, you know, completely forgotten about and forgiven.

So chances are they probably did.

I just can’t remember and I don’t want to put words in their mouth.

Okay, but you didn’t make them apologize for saying, I apologize.

No, not at all.

There’s a very good book about apologies and language of apologies by Edwin Battistella.

It’s called Sorry About That.

And while a focus is mostly on the apologies of public figures, it still has a lot for the private individual.

And one of the things that he talks about there, and actually in another book, too, I Was Wrong by Nick Smith says the same thing.

They talk about apologies as a way of taking practical responsibility.

You’re owning what happened.

You’re not making excuses, which is where apologies often go wrong.

You’re not blaming someone else.

You’re not blaming the fact that you’re sick.

You’re not blaming the fact that you’re busy.

You’re not blaming the fact that you’re tired.

You’re owning it all.

And so even for small offenses,

Shouldering this responsibility with our words

Goes the right way towards making an apology feel genuine

And to be effective.

I’m definitely going to check out those books for sure.

Mindy, I would also recommend a website called sorrywatch.com.

They also have a Twitter feed,

And it’s a couple of writers, Susan McCarthy and Marjorie Engel,

And they sort of monitor apologies in the public sphere.

So a politician who apologizes for this or that or some corporate executive.

And they break it down and kind of criticize it.

It’s sort of like, I don’t know, TV tropes for apologies or something like that.

Yeah, there we go.

Oh, wow.

This might be more than you wanted, Mindy, but you called Nass, so here you go.

No, I love it.

It’s great living in the future.

Thank you very much.

Well, thank you so much.

I appreciate you taking the time.

It’s been amazing, and I love the show.

Thank you.

Call again sometime.

Thanks, Mandy.

Bye-bye.

You too.

Bye-bye.

I want to mention those books real quickly.

Again, it is Sorry About That by Edwin Battistella.

That’s B-A-T-T-I-S-T-E-L-L-A.

And I Was Wrong by Nick Smith.

And Nick Smith’s book in particular is about philosophy.

It’s the philosophy of relationships and the philosophy of the language.

And the Battistella book is more about the language of apologies.

So between the two of them, you really get to the heart of it.

And actually, they’re kind of eye-opening for you as a reader because you’re like, oh, yeah, I do those half-hearted apologies all the time.

I really need to stop that.

Right.

You realize that’s what that sounds like?

Yeah.

Oh.

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