Jill, who recently moved from Chicago, Illinois, to Indianapolis, Indiana, is bothered when restaurant servers say things like, “What would we like to order?” “Are we ready for the check?” and “Would we like dessert?” She says it doesn’t sound right to her because the server isn’t actually part of the dining party. Jill hears similar phrases at the vet’s office too, where staff members ask, Are we having intestinal issues? when talking about an entirely different species. Jill noticed this usage more often in Indianapolis than she did in Chicago. But it’s not new, it’s not regional, and being offended by it misunderstands what is happening with it. This use of we is widespread and functions in part as a politeness strategy. In service encounters, it can enhance the customer-server relationship, signaling solidarity and suggesting that the server is attentive to the customer’s experience. This is part of a complete episode.
Transcript of “Why Servers Say “What Would We Like to Order?”: The Politeness Strategy of “We””
Hello.
You have A Way with Words.
Hi.
This is Jill from Indianapolis.
Hey, Jill.
Welcome to the show.
Thank you.
Glad to be here.
What are you thinking about today?
When we moved to Indianapolis not too long ago, when we go to restaurants, all the servers say the word we, and they’ll say, what would we like to order?
Are we ready for the check?
Would we like dessert?
And it drives us crazy because the server is not eating with us.
We’re the guests.
And I don’t understand why they don’t use the pronoun you.
And Jill, where did you move from?
From Chicago.
Okay.
I’m so sorry.
And we didn’t hear those types of greetings at all when we lived there.
Interesting.
Are you eating in a different kind of restaurant in Indianapolis?
You know, similar restaurants.
Of course, Chicago has great restaurants.
Mhmm.
But even, you know, the moderate restaurants in in Chicago, we did not get the Wii, and it’s everywhere in Indianapolis.
That’s so interesting to me because it it is everywhere.
That that waiter using the waiters using we is pretty much all across North America in English.
And versions of it even happen in French and Spanish.
So I’m just it’s so interesting that you didn’t remember it from Chicago.
Yeah.
It’s it’s it’s very it’s highly unusual for us to hear that in general.
So and it’s interesting that you’re saying it’s all over North America because we eat you know, we travel a lot.
And in certain towns you hear it, and in other towns you don’t.
There’s something called the recency illusion where when you when you notice something, then you keep noticing it.
And I’m wondering if now when you travel, if you will start to notice this is everywhere.
Because it’s been studied by a linguist for decades, and reports of it come in from all across, again, English speaking North America.
But I wanted to get to the bottom of how you feel when a waiter uses we that in that way.
What are we ordering?
How are we doing?
Are we still working on that?
What does that strike you as?
So the the waiter or the server is not eating with us.
They’re not forwarding with us.
They’re not going to split the bill with us because I look at the word we as inclusive of everyone in the party, including the person speaking.
Okay.
So you’re taking it literally then.
I I wonder if there’s any element of feeling like there’s a whiff of condescension, you know, the way that some doctors will talk to an elderly patient or something like that.
I don’t know because we even we’re starting to hear it in the veterinarian’s office.
They’re talking about the dog, and they’ll they’ll speak about the dog and says, are we having intestinal issues?
And it’s like, well, we’re not, but the dog is here.
Well, there I just wanna kind of address the larger issues here.
So it’s it ‘s it’s easy to get annoyed by something that we’re where we’re not sure what’s happening.
And I just want to just say, although I don’t want to take away the it’s valid to be annoyed by it, It is 100% legitimate language, and it’s got a real role that’s happening here.
Commercial language is kind of its own thing.
And these commercial exchanges require this weird interplay and balance of power and control.
And your waiter by using we is trying to negotiate that.
For example, using we kind of puts them on the same footing as you.
And actually, although it does feel like they’re inviting themselves to sit down and have some of your meal, What they’re trying to do is show solidarity and show that they’re that they’re they feel like you and that they’re part of your experience.
And it demonstrates just by that one pronoun use that they’re considering your thoughts.
They’re being empathetic.
But I do want to say Martha brought up a really important point, and part of what can rub us the wrong way about that we, although it may be well intended.
And I think you have to assume on the part of the waiter that they mean well, is it does mimic the same language that we encounter in caretaking situations.
Caring for animals, caring for elders, caring for sick people.
Children, Yeah, law using that we is a language that we use, and it can’t come off as condescending.
But I don’t think that’s how it’s met.
When it turns into a singsong, So how are we doing?
What are we having today?
Then it’s even worse.
And I think that is definitely on the the weight person.
When they fall into this, this rote recitation and kind of singsongy fashion, That means that they’re being careless with their language.
Jill, I would love to hear from other servers.
I know we have a lot of people in the restaurant business listening to the show, and I would be very curious to know what they think about, using We themselves.
Great.
Well, I’ll enjoy listening to what everyone else has to say.
So thank you for your time today.
Right.
Thank you, Jill.
Take care now.
Okay.
All Thank righty.
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