A woman having an affair with a married man is a mistress. So what’s the word for an unmarried man who’s having an affair with a married woman? Consort? Leman? This is part of a complete episode.
Transcript of “Male Mistress”
Hello, we have A Way with Words.
Hi.
Hello.
This is Dan from San Diego.
Dan, hi, welcome.
Welcome, Dan.
Hi.
I have a question regarding, well, with a group of friends, but we were trying to find out the male term for a mistress.
As in an S&M kind of mistress or as in a little bit on the side kind of mistress?
Like a little bit on the side kind of mistress.
Someone who’s in a relationship with a married woman, where a mistress is a woman who’s in a relationship with a married man.
We’re trying to figure out exactly what the term would be for a man involved with a married woman.
Okay. Now, Daniel, there has to be a story here, right?
Yeah, it was with some friends that we get together occasionally, and we were catching up out drinking and having dinner, and we were catching up on our lives and things like that.
What had happened over the last year. And we started talking about our relationship and this friend of mine began to talk about his new relationship. And I guess he’s not in a position for a relationship and, or, you know, wasn’t really looking for anything really heavy and found this other person and she’s married. And, you know, I guess, you know, as far as discretion goes, I won’t go any farther than that. But so he said, well, I guess I’m her mistress. And we were like, well, no, that would be a woman. You know, so what’s the guy? You know, what’s the term for a man?
Mister?
So we kept trying to figure it out. And so it led to a lot of discussion. And I sent everyone home to find out what, you know, to come back later with a term. And that didn’t work. So we decided to call you guys.
Oh, boy. So what do you call a man who is having an affair with a married woman?
Yes.
And he’s not the one really in charge of the arrangement.
Right.
We’re looking at it from her perspective. What would she call him, right?
Yes. If she were to introduce him, you know, or whatever, you know, what would the term be?
Yeah, it used to be master and mistress were kind of the opposite number of each other when it came to men and women. But then mistress developed this other meaning and master didn’t.
So master doesn’t work either.
He’s not really a rent boy because that just kind of makes out like he’s just one step below a prostitute, right?
Right, and this isn’t for money specifically.
We thought about rent boy and things like that, but there was always that money thing.
This is more just consensual, you know, sack, I suppose.
Right, fun in the sack and not really looking for a relationship or money, right?
Right.
Not a kept man.
Not looking for true love.
Right.
So not a kept man, right?
Right.
And he’s not a philanderer, really.
She is, though, right?
Right, because she’s the one that’s married.
Well, it’s because the women, except for the libertines, really haven’t had this position that the modern woman has.
This is relatively recent, right?
The development where women had this enough social capital to do this.
I’m not surprised that the language hasn’t kept up because it’s kind of new.
Probably the term that you’re looking for, though, is consort, even though it sounds incredibly old-fashioned.
Consort? Really?
Yeah.
Even if he’s not in it for the money and he’s not in it for whatever other favors beyond the sexual relationship, he is kind of a consort.
Okay.
He’s the adjunct to her life. She’s not the adjunct to his.
Exactly.
Well, you know, I always try to make the case for the word lemon, L-E-M-A-N, which comes from words that mean dear person.
It’s a person beloved by one of the opposite sex.
But everybody says it sounds too much like the fruit.
Yeah.
When you first mentioned it, I was like, I don’t quite understand how that would work.
Yeah, I guess your friend wouldn’t want to say, here’s my lemon.
And cuckolder sounds too much like cupholder.
Yeah, and I think that would be a little old.
You’d have to really understand where that came from, too.
Again, it’s almost like Middle English.
Yeah, so you really want a real, modern, usable term for this.
Well, here’s something.
This is not quite right because it puts the sexual politics, the power of the sexual relationship in his hands rather than in hers.
But in black English and old blues songs and some old jazz tunes, there’s a term called the backdoor man.
And this is the fellow who leaves your house by the back door as you come in the front.
He’s been sleeping with your wife.
And so he is that, so to speak.
He is the backdoor man.
But again, it kind of puts him in the position of being the sexual aggressor or the one who’s the initiator of the relationship.
And it sounds like you’re saying that she is.
She’s the one who kind of like, because I don’t know.
Yeah, well, she’s the one that basically, I guess, dictates, you know, as again, dictates that part of the relationship.
But I can give them both, and we can decide which one works.
Well, let us know if you come up with something better, all right?
Okay.
Good luck.
Thank you so much, Daniel.
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
If you’ve got a question about what to call somebody, you dirty so-and-so, give us a call, 1-877-929-9673, or send it in email to words@waywordradio.org.
