An Evansville, Indiana, listener says she responds to the question “how are you?” with a phrase she adopted from her grandmother: “If I was any better, I’d be twins.” There are several versions along these lines: “If I was any better, I’d be you.” “If I was any better, there’d be two of me.” “If I were any better, I’d be dangerous.” “If I were any better, vitamins would be taking me.” In all of these jokey responses, the meaning is straightforward. It’s simply that the speaker is doing very well indeed. This is part of a complete episode.
Transcript of “If I Were Any Better I’d…”
Hello, you have A Way with Words.
Hi, this is Michelle, and I’m calling from Evansville, Indiana.
How are you, Grant?
Excellent, Michelle.
It’s very nice to talk to you.
Hi, Michelle.
I know exactly where you’re from down there in the boot, the toe.
Oh, yes.
Yes, ma’am.
Yeah.
Well, welcome to the show.
What can we do?
I’ve always heard the phrase from, like, my grandmother and other people, if I was any better, I’d be twins whenever you’re asked, how are you doing? And so I’ve kind of adopted it myself. Oh, if I was any better, I’d be twins. And I say it all the time. I have no idea what it really means. And so I just thought maybe you guys could help.
You must be pretty good.
Usually, yes.
If I were any better, I’d be twins.
Yeah.
If I was any better, I’d be twins.
Right.
Yeah, do you say was or were?
If I was any better, I would be twins.
Yeah, that’s the way I usually see phrases like that. You know, it’s very casual, right? You’re not going to throw the subjunctive into that kind of jokey remark, right?
No, no, no.
No, no.
Yeah, but basically it’s, you know, if I were any better, I’d be twice as good, right? There’s so much of me, there’s enough to go around.
Right.
Well, see, I’ve heard that too, but I thought surely there has to be another meaning or, you know, some other place that it came from.
No, it’s pretty basic. You’re doing the good work of two people, basically.
Yeah, I’ve also heard versions like, if I was any better, I’d be you. You know, there are lots of clever little responses like that. If I was any better, there’d be two of me as a variation.
Yeah.
If I were any better, I’d be dangerous is my favorite one. Or if I was any better, vitamins would be taking me.
I think I’m going to start using the I’d be dangerous. That one’s fantastic.
I found one use that’s similar. It’s not quite the same thing from 1904. If I hadn’t been an only child, there’d be two of me. And just fancy all the fun me too could have with that other of me.
I’ll take that. Thank you.
That’s goofy, right?
That’s all we got, Michelle.
Yeah, it’s just pretty silly.
Okay, well, thank you for finally settling that because my husband and I, we’ve been round and round, and that’s the conclusion that we came to, and so I get to tell him that I was kind of right.
Hawkins the razor and all that, right?
The simple answer is usually the right one.
That is correct, and I know he’s got a couple questions, too. We talk about it from time to time, and so I’m sure that one of these days he’ll probably call on.
Well, tell him to do it.
Yeah.
Thank you very much for calling.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
Bye, Michelle.
All right.
Bye-bye.
This is a show where sometimes we talk about language and we just kind of goof off.
I mean, there are a lot of…
What?
No, we’re serious.
This is serious business.
I do love all those responses.
Yeah, you do.
Like, you know, I’m finer than frog’s hair or I’m finer than frog’s hair split.
Yeah.
Or I’m fuzzy as a peach.
Fuzzy as a peach.
Yeah.
