Friends Who are Not Dating

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, Grant. Hi, Martha. This is Andrea calling from Renton, Washington.

Hi.

Hi, Andrea. How are you doing?

The question I have is, I’m trying to figure out what to call this friend my mom has.

So my dad died a few years ago, and then my grandma couldn’t live alone anymore. She went to live with my grandma and joined a singles group and met this guy. She had free tickets to a concert one night, just asked anybody in the group who wants to go. This guy said yes. He liked the music.

They started hanging out and started hanging out all the time.

Are you dating?

No, we’re not dating.

They dated for a while, decided it wasn’t going to work out. But he still talks to her every day, sees her every day, buys her nice jewelry. They go on trips.

But it’s completely platonic.

So when I say he’s coming to a family event, I say, you know, my sister and her husband and kids are coming, and my mom and her not-boyfriend. I call them her not-boyfriend.

Her not-boyfriend.

And I’m wondering if there is a turnout in the culture for this, because I’ve known people who have this kind of relationship. They’re older. Maybe they talk to each other every day, but they’re not dating. That never becomes amorous. Although it could, but that’s a choice they’re making not to do. Neither one of them is dating anyone else.

Nope.

And this is by mutual consent that they’re not a couple?

Right.

Well, sometimes they argue about who broke up with whom.

I see.

But good naturedly.

It sounds suspiciously like the man has been put in the friend zone to me.

Well, but they both, I know I’ve probed this. So why are you not dating? And, you know, I mean, they both have really good reasons for not dating, but they really like each other.

Friend zoner.

He’s a friend zony.

I don’t know what else.

Zony for short?

No, wait.

Well, let’s just assume. He also isn’t, it sounds pretty clear that he also doesn’t want more at this point, if ever.

Okay.

But they’re best friends.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

How about that?

Why not best friend?

My grandmother had a relationship like this with a man who lived a few hundred yards away. They were the only people who lived year-round at this place. And she adamantly refused that he was their boyfriend yet. They’d go on walks together. They’d go fishing together. They’d have dinner together.

Right.

And I just think maybe friend, my mom’s friend, and let other people sort it out. You’re not obligated to be the encyclopedia of that relationship.

That’s true.

You could get coy with this. We’ve talked about this term on the show before, but they could call each other biffles, which is short for BFFL, best friends for life.

My mom’s biffle.

Oh, that wouldn’t require any explanation.

Well, that’s my point. Just go completely to the other extreme and be as opaque as possible, and people can just, like, not know.

Right?

You’re not obligated to explain this relationship to other people.

Well, you know what? I bet our listeners are going to want to weigh in on this.

That’ll be fun.

So keep listening.

Okay, Andrea, it’s a great question.

Okay.

Thank you for your time.

Okay, give our regards to your mom and her…

Paramore.

Not paramore.

Her not-boyfriend.

Her dear friend.

I like that.

Her un-boyfriend.

Try that.

Thanks, Andrea.

All right, thank you.

Bye-bye.

Take care.

Bye.

If you’ve got a relationship like this in your family or your life, we’d love to know how you refer to that person, 877-929-9673. Email words@waywordradio.org and find us on Facebook and Twitter and SoundCloud and Stitcher and iTunes and a whole bunch of other places.