Can You Regret Not Doing Something It Was Impossible to Do Anyway?

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, Grant. This is Constance from San Antonio, Texas.

Hi, Constance. How are you doing?

I’m doing well. How are you?

Super duper. Welcome to the show.

Hey, Constance. Welcome.

Hi, Martha. It is so great to talk to you guys.

I’m calling because I had a discussion with my husband, and we have a little disagreement going on. So I wanted to check with you guys and get your thoughts on the matter.

Marriage counseling rate is $150 an hour for first visit.

Exactly.

Okay.

All right, bring it. What’s the story?

We were talking the other day, and we were listening to music, and a song by the band Queen came on. And I mentioned to him that I regret never having been able to see Queen in concert because I was three when Freddie Mercury died. And he argued that I can’t regret something that I have no control over, as I obviously didn’t have control over when Freddie Mercury died. And I think that I can regret something that I have no control over. So he disagrees strongly, and I’m feeling pretty good that I’m right about this one.

Wow, what an interesting question. You know, I know what I feel, Constance, and then I know what the dictionaries say. And I think the dictionary agrees with me, and he disagrees with the dictionary.

Yeah, yeah. When you first brought this up, I’m thinking, well, I agree with her husband because I associate regret with blaming myself or kicking myself. You know, like I let myself down or I let somebody else down. There’s an element of remorse there.

Yeah. I think I would be more inclined to say I feel wistful, you know, about seeing Freddie Mercury. But clearly, you’re correct. I mean, Constance, dictionaries agree with you. I’m looking at the usage note in Merriam-Webster, which has a little note about distinguishing the meaning of words like sorrow and grief and anguish and woe and regret. And there it says that regret implies pain caused by deep disappointment, fruitless longing, or unavailing remorse. So it includes the remorse that I was talking about, but also fruitless longing.

The longing, exactly. That’s my view.

That’s your view? I mean, I suppose you could say, you know, I regret the fleeting nature of youth. Or even I regret to inform you. You know, there’s nothing I can do about it, but I have to inform you.

Yeah.

Yeah. So Travis disagrees. May we speak with Travis?

Yes. He’s right here. One second.

Hi, Martha. Hi, Grant. This is Travis calling from San Antonio, Texas. How are you?

Hi, Travis.

Hi, Travis. What’s it like to be wrong?

Well, I think it’s a matter of opinion, and the debate wages. I’ll say that much.

All right, so explain your point of view here. So your point of view is that regret is really about something you have control over.

I do. I think that, and let me qualify this by saying I had no citing of the dictionary whatsoever. It was a gut response on my part. And I just, I said, I felt that, you know, words are tools and the original usage of the word regret demonstrates something that you have control over, something that you have autonomy over. And I know that people use it in different instances all the time, but I think in its spirit, it’s something that you have to have a hand in.

You know, I don’t regret negotiations that broke down in, you know, the Middle East because I didn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t I don’t regret meeting, you know, a famous celebrity, Albert Einstein. Died. I don’t regret that I never got to sit down and have a cup of coffee with the guy because, gosh, so many reasons why that was not possible. So again, I say it from a gut response. You know, it just doesn’t seem like that’s the correct usage of the word. And so that’s where I am.

Okay. Yeah. I could buy that, except regret has, like many words in English, more than one meaning. So you’re focused on this very personal meaning, the common sense that we have when we say, I’m going to send my regrets because I can’t attend that party, or I regret that I crashed your car when you loaned it to me, things like that, right? You’re talking about this personal, very individual regret, and I appreciate that because that is the regret that we most often encounter. The regret that Martha was talking about, and I think that Constance is referring to, is the broader regret, and it’s a valid sense of the word, but perhaps less common, and so perhaps that’s the division between the two of you, that you’re talking about this more common personal regret. Constance is thinking about a less common, broader regret.

Sure. I’m the guy that looks at the dictionary and I see definition number one. Boom. And I don’t bother to go to definition number three.

Right. I get it. You go to Yelp looking for a restaurant, you go to the first one?

Yeah. If it were better, if it were a better definition, it’d be number one.

All right. That’s a method. That’s one way to do it.

No, I kid. I kid.

I kid you as well. You know, you’re not wrong so much as just acknowledge that it has more than one meaning and you’re good to go.

All right. Thank you, Travis. We appreciate you being a good sport.

Thanks so much, Martha and Grant.

I’m going to hand it back to Constance.

Hello.

Hello, Constance.

All right. So did he have to do the dishes for a month?

So I get to have a child-free night.

Wow.

By myself.

It’s been a long 12 months.

So this is exciting.

So you’re going to listen to Freddie Mercury?

Yeah.

Probably so, yes, in celebration, I think so.

Well, you all got to call us again with something that Travis can win.

We absolutely will.

We absolutely will.

It was such a pleasure to talk to you guys.

Thank you, Constance.

And I’ve been listening for a long time. Appreciate it.

So thank you so much.

All right.

Take care.

Enjoy that pizza.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

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