Transcript of “Can Using an Employee’s First Name Be Condescending?”
Hello, you have A Way with Words.
Oh, hi. This is Michelle from Bedford, Texas.
Hi, Michelle.
Right outside the DFW area.
Hey, Michelle.
I had emailed somebody about a reservation for a trip that was happening the current year, and I was asking if the same trip was going to be programmed for the next year. I was not at all certain of that, and I have to plan my vacations way ahead of time because we don’t want to conflict with my colleagues. You know, you can’t everybody be off at the same time.
This particular person returns the email and says, yes, Michelle, we schedule that trip every year. And it just struck me as a little odd. Instead of saying, hey, Michelle, yes, that trip will be scheduled, it was, yes, Michelle. And I’m adding emphasis because, of course, I have no idea how the person would have said it out loud. This was in an email, and you don’t get tone or inflection in an email.
I have a colleague who, when we’re on a conference call, we’re all working from home, and so we have team calls, and this particular colleague, when I ask a question directed to this person, or my boss asks a question directed to this person, he will respond with our name. Yes, Michelle, or yes, my boss’s name. I have not noticed that he does it with anybody else. And I’ve asked my colleagues, and they’re like, oh, never paid attention. But I asked my son, who is actually a very well-grown-up young man. I’m very proud of him. But he says, it sounds a bit condescending. And that’s how I’m receiving it, as it’s a tad condescending or manipulative. And also, my son’s girlfriend says that she’s noticed one of her professors used to do that, too. So I’m wondering if we’re being overly sensitive, and they may not even be aware of what they’re doing. I was just curious about it.
Well, that’s a lot to unpack. I mean, as you mentioned with email, it’s really hard to discern tone. In these meetings that you’re having where the person is addressing you by your first name, does he address everybody else by their first name as well?
I’ve only noticed it with me or our boss.
And your boss is female?
Yes.
The charitable part of me wants to say that, you know, maybe he’s read Dale Carnegie, where he had to win friends and influence people. And I mean, people love to hear their names, don’t they? I mean, when you introduce yourself to somebody, how many times do you remember that person’s name versus your own? I mean, I just wonder what else is going on for that person. But the uncharitable part of us thinks about the linguistic discourse studies that show that people, adjusting people by their first name, sometimes can introduce a power differential that is indeed taken as condescending and may intentionally be or unintentionally be there to shift the mood or the control of a conversation or a situation.
That’s how it felt. In fact, I made some notes for our call. And one of my notes I have, it feels like a change in power.
Yeah.
Change.
Yeah, the change is what’s important. So if particularly in the email, so we can discern something from the email, if you’re having a back and forth with someone and there’s no addressing each other by name for several emails in a row and then they address you by your name, that’s definitely a power move. That’s definitely them trying to assert some sort of control or power or to condescend or to chastise you a little bit for sure.
For me, sometimes I do it just to bring the person in, though. It’s more of an embracing. I think there’s more than one way to do that.
I’m talking about a one-to-one conversation.
No, that’s what I’m talking about, too. It’s certainly context-dependent, but if it’s a tense situation where something isn’t being understood or explanations are required.
That’s different from the embrace, yeah.
Yeah. But really paying attention to the changing of someone’s naming practice is really going to help you understand what’s happening here. It’s when they shift from a formal to an informal or they shift from an informal to a formal. For example, we all know about the parents shouting out your whole name, you know, Martha Ann Barnette, get your shoes off the sofa. That is, that’s definitely somebody’s angry at Martha Ann Barnette, right?
Exactly. And it gets your attention.
Yeah. I thought about that too. And I thought about it’s just how the ways that the words are ordered. It’s the yes, Michelle, versus the hey, Michelle, yes. And I thought it’s really subtle how…
Oh, I agree with that. I picked that up too. Yes, Michelle. You can almost hear the eyes rolling. Yes, Michelle. Instead of like, oh, Michelle, like those couching language they could use. Oh, I’m glad you asked, Michelle. You probably don’t know this, but yeah, we do this every year.
Right, right.
Or if you might remember, we do this every year. Or, yeah, there’s just lots of different ways they could have allowed you the moment of doubt and said, oh, maybe she just doesn’t remember. But they didn’t. They made it sound like you should have known.
Yes. And actually with the first email, that was the initial email with correspondence with that person.
Well, Michelle, there is a lot of work that has been done in linguistics, mostly by female linguists, of course, about the power differential when it comes to addressing men versus women. And one of the things we find is that again and again and again, women are addressed by their first name and men are addressed by titles and last names or just last names. And sometimes people say, oh, well, it’s just because I relate to women. They seem friendlier. But a lot of times it turns out that in the same situation, like the meeting that you’re having, it can really be about genderism or misogyny even, and women not getting the respect that they’re due in the workplace. So it is definitely something to pay attention to.
I think what I’m taking away is that I shouldn’t be bothered too much for it, but watch out for it.
Yeah, yeah, watch out for it. This was enlightening. I know we’ll get a lot of response on this. Thank you so much for breaching this topic.
Thank you. I love your show, by the way.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much. We’re really glad you called.
All right. Thank you again.
Bye-bye.
Thanks, Michelle.
Bye-bye.
