Linguistic Hedges and Conversational Softeners

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, Martha. My name is Paul Jeanette, and I’m calling from snowy Dryden, New York.

Well, hello, Paul. Welcome to the show.

What’s on your mind, Paul?

Well, I am a transplant from the South, and I really enjoy observing differences in the ways people use words to express themselves where I live now in upstate New York versus where I grew up.

Everything from accents and syllables that are emphasized in words to greetings, metaphors, expressions, the whole Megillah.

And I’d like to get y’all’s insights on a common way to criticize people that I’ve observed that seems to have almost a universal format, but with regional differences in the words that are used.

And it goes something like this.

When I was growing up in Tennessee, if I was involved in a conversation about someone who was not there, someone who was not part of that conversation, if someone said, bless his heart, or maybe God bless him, then everyone involved in the conversation understood that one of the next things that person was going to say would be the word but, and then they would follow that with a criticism of this other person who’s not there.

Yep, that sounds pretty familiar.

I thought you might think so, Martha.

Yes.

So, for example, I can just hear my grandmother in Franklin, Tennessee saying, well, bless his heart, but that Bob is just the laziest person I know.

And then, for emphasis, she might tack on an I swanee or an I declare or something like that.

And here in upstate New York, people don’t tend to say things like bless his heart or God bless him.

But if you’re in a conversation with other people and you’re talking about someone who’s not there, and if someone says, don’t get me wrong, everyone knows, everyone knows that that’s going to be followed by the word but and then a criticism of the other person.

And sometimes extra words are added at the beginning like, don’t get me wrong.

I mean, he’s a great guy, but that Bob is just the laziest person I know.

So I’d appreciate your insights on where does this come from?

Why do we say or criticize people like this?

And I’d especially be interested if you know of other regional variations in the words that are used, perhaps at the beginning.

Well, that’s really interesting.

So we’re talking about linguistic hedges, where you say something critical, but you have a little preface there that smooths the way a little bit.

It’s like you’re protecting yourself and also protecting the other person, right?

It’s a conversational lubricant.

Yeah, a lot has been said about bless his heart, and you can search our website for more about that.

And I don’t want to go into that here because, again, a lot has been said about that.

Sometimes these are called compromisers or downtoners or softeners or downgraders or weakeners.

But this is a part of politeness, and there’s a whole discipline, a subdiscipline of linguistics,

Which is about being polite to each other and how we do that, because conversation isn’t only about exchange of information.

And some linguists actually will argue that conversation isn’t mostly about exchange of information.

It’s about the social glue that keeps the tribe together.

Fascinating. Fascinating. Have you all or you guys heard of other regional differences besides bless us heart or don’t get me wrong?

It’s not regional at all. There’s nothing regional about it. I mean, regional in the terms of it might be from country to country. But for the most part, these are inherent to the language as a whole. English has its, French has its, Russian has its, Chinese has its. They each have their own. And so every culture has some form of politeness. The rules of politeness are built into the language and you learn them as part of the language, which again is part of the culture that it’s attached to.

I’m thinking of this structure that you’re talking about, making a statement and then saying, but.

That’s one variety of it.

There are also softeners like starting a sentence with, all I know is da-da-da-da.

So you’re discounting your own expertise in order to make the other person know that you don’t believe yourself to be arrogant and all-knowing.

Right.

For fun, I’ve asked some people from other areas how they would say things like that.

And a friend of mine who grew up in northern New Jersey said that there, you know, outside of New York City, if someone said not for nothing, then they would know there would be but and then a criticism.

And a friend from London told me if someone said not to be funny, then you knew that but was coming along with the criticism.

Right. Not to be critical.

Paul, you’re right. Those are good regional examples. Absolutely.

I remember not for nothing when I lived in New York City.

I remember very well that people on Long Island said that, and those are great regional examples.

But I want to get away from this notion that there’s anything regional about this.

It doesn’t have to be regional.

I want to circle this around in a different direction and talk about the everyday ones that might slip by us.

One of the things that Martha and I often encounter is people complaining about things like, you know, sort of, and I mean, and people complain about these filler words.

And our response typically is to say, if you take these filler words out of a conversation, then people often sound rude.

And a lot of the padding in the conversation that we might write off as unnecessary filler is the softening that makes conversation palatable.

It’s what makes it easy to take.

So we don’t all sound crude and brutish and overly assertive and even arrogant.

And so the stuff that you’re talking about here, this politeness, this wrapping of politeness, the ribbon and the bows and the stickers that we put on the language that we speak, this is the stuff that makes it all easy to take.

Fascinating.

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

Much of the speech that we do on any given day is the wrapping and the bows.

I can see that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That’s great.

I really appreciate that.

Well, Paul, we appreciate your calling.

Thank you very much for having me.

I love your show.

I really appreciate how you help us all to understand our language.

Thank you, Paul.

Take care now.

Appreciate it.

Bye-bye.

Okay, bye-bye.

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