Euphemisms to Show Sympathy

You’re listening to A Way with Words, the show about language and how we use it. I’m Grant Barrett.

And I’m Martha Barnette.

We had a discussion on the show recently about the language of grief and death, and listeners have been continuing that conversation online and in email, particularly about two phrases, one of which is, I’m sorry for your loss, and the other one being pass away, as opposed to die.

We heard from Catherine S. Quinn, a psychologist in Del Mar, California. She’s not only counseled grieving people, but her own son died suddenly at the age of 24.

And she said that using the word loss in that case kind of minimizes the loss itself. She writes, the word death is commonly used interchangeably with the word loss, including by those of us who are professionals who sometimes skirt around the intensity of the utterance.

Still, the word death is most realistic. And when used with sensitivity and compassion when a death has happened, it feels the most accurate for our loved ones and understanding their experience of this significant event.

And she says that rather than get hung up on the language, sometimes you just have to give a hug, just say, I’m so sorry, recognize the fact that you really don’t know how that person is feeling.

And we heard an echo of that idea in a note that we got from Nicholas Clifford. He’s a professor emeritus of history at Middlebury College in Vermont.

And he wrote, it’s all very well to be against euphemisms. I’m very much so. But unfortunately, you’ve got to be respectful of other people’s feelings. At the age of 84, I’m living in a retirement place.

And here, when the grim reaper pays a call, words like passed on or simply passed are used, and I don’t think I’m in a position to tell others what language they should employ, even when their own makes me cringe.

And he continues, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve told my children, four daughters, that when I die, I really do die. I don’t pass or pass on or transition or metamorphose or anything like that.

If my children and those they deal with are unable to use words like die and death, they have my permission instead to say, he left in search of better job opportunities. That at least should bring a chuckle and a return to reality.

And what was his name again? Nicholas Clifford.

Nicholas, thank you very much for the laugh there because it’s a serious subject. Right. And yet this is the path that we’ll all take. Exactly.

We still welcome your thoughts on the language of death and dying. Give us a call, 877-929-9673, or email us, words@waywordradio.org.