Does Please Make a Request Optional?

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, I’m Madison and I’m calling from San Diego.

Great. Madison, welcome to the show.

Hi, Madison.

How old are you?

I’m 10.

10, okay. What would you like to talk with us about?

Well, I have a question on the word please because like some people say, because I think it’s like could be optional, but other people think it’s just being polite and still a command.

The word please. Can you tell us when you might think it would be optional?

Well, like at the pool one time, there’s like a sign that said, please take a shower before you enter the pool.

So I thought it could be optional, but yeah.

If you didn’t have please on the sign, then it’s what, an order or a command?

Yeah.

Aha.

That’s a pretty sophisticated question, Grant.

It is indeed.

So, Madison, the sign said something like, please take a shower before going into the pool, right?

Yeah.

And you couldn’t wait to get in.

Yeah.

Mm—

Well, I still took the shower, but, like, I was thinking in my head, could it be, is it optional or is it still, like, is it still wanting you to do it?

Okay.

That’s a good question.

And let me ask you, if you use please in other circumstances, does it also feel optional to you?

If I say, please take off your shoes before entering the house, does that feel optional?

Yeah, that sort of does.

But sometimes I say, please to my brother, like, leave me alone.

Like that, I use it as a command.

So that’s like the sarcastic eye-rolling please, though, right?

Like, please leave me alone.

Yeah.

Followed by, mom!

This is a really interesting question.

And do the politeness terms imply that you’re not serious about a request?

I mean, that’s how I’d put it in linguistic terms, Madison.

If I add a polite word to the top or bottom of something that I want, does that mean that I’m indicating that I’m not very serious about it?

Well, I think, yeah, it wouldn’t be as serious as it would be to not say a polite word.

But, yeah.

Another question I have for you, Madison.

If the pool never used the word please on its signs when they say things like, please check in at the front desk, or please no diving in the pool, or please no running around the edge of the pool, if they just took please off everything, wouldn’t that feel a little harsh and maybe even rude for them just to have all these bossy commands everywhere?

Well, yeah, I guess.

But it would still, like, be straightforward instead of, like, you know, making it less serious.

Mm—

Yeah.

So if your mom said, please clean your room?

Yeah.

I would think it’s more optional.

I would think it’s, like, I would do it, but it would still be less serious than if she said it with no please.

-huh.

Interesting.

Interesting.

I’ve got to remember that for my son because for me, we try to be very polite in our house to each other, even for things that the person has no problem with doing.

Please pass me the salt.

Nobody has a problem passing you the salt, but yet you still use the polite terms.

Yeah, I’m thinking that if you’re going to a hotel or a public pool and they say, please take a shower, it’s sort of like you’re their guest, right?

I mean, it’s sort of a polite form of address.

Yeah, and in English, Madison, we use these polite terms as a way to kind of ease each other into the expectations that we have for each other.

We use please and sorry and thank you and a variety of other words in order just to make sure that we’re not all barking commands at each other all the time.

And we all kind of understand that these terms mean, oh, Martha said, please take off your shoes before entering the house.

That means she really wants to do it.

She’s not going to be really aggressive about it, but because Martha’s a friend of mine and I care about her feelings, the please tells me that she feels the same way about me, and so I’m going to do it for her.

And that’s kind of what I’d say about the pool.

Their please is telling you that they respect you as a customer and as a guest, and even though they really want that thing done.

Okay.

Madison, I think you have the best attitude possible, which is to note the word and then go ahead and do the request.

That’s cool, Madison.

Thanks for calling.

We really appreciate it.

Thanks for having me.

Are you a competitive swimmer, by the way?

No.

No, okay.

Just thought I’d ask.

All right.

Take care of yourself, Madison.

Good luck.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Well, that was a sweet-sounding voice, wasn’t it?

Yeah, it was.

Just a sweet girl.

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