Correcting Grammar Politely

Howdy, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, this is Sean, and I’m calling from Little Rock, Arkansas.

How can we help you, Sean?

Well, I’m calling about my girlfriend.

Her name is Christy.

She is Chinese.

She’s been in America for five years, and English is her second language.

So we talk all the time on phone and in person.

We also chat online, and occasionally she will make a grammar or vocabulary choice that doesn’t sound exactly natural.

And then I feel like maybe I should correct it, and I’m calling to ask if you guys have a way that is the most polite way to correct a minor grammar mistake.

This is a great question.

Did you see what was making the rounds recently with Reese Witherspoon said that if a guy corrected her on the first date that she would just never date him again?

I did not hear about that.

But you’re a couple. How long have you been a couple?

Four months.

Okay, so you’re not quite in the zone yet where you’re safe, I think.

Would you say, Martha, that he needs to be still tread a little lightly?

Yeah, you’re not finishing each other’s sentences, for example.

Not yet, right?

Not quite yet.

But I think the interesting question here, Sean, is what does she want to do?

What’s her motivation and your motivation?

Yeah, does she want your help?

It seems like it, but I’ll give you an example.

Okay.

She once asked me, did you take badge?

We were going to an event where we both had to have our ID from the university we work at.

And she said, did you take batch?

And I said, did I bring my ID?

Yes, I did.

And so I think there’s two ways to say it.

Either I can repeat the sentence from her point of view, or I can change the question from my point of view.

I see.

So you’re trying to do it subtly rather than…

Correct.

Than, I see.

And then she will, but she gets it.

She knows I’m correcting her.

So she’ll say, oh, yeah, did you bring your badge?

Oh, that’s good.

Did she take it well?

Yes.

Okay.

And do you do that only between the two of you or when there are others around?

Because that could make the difference.

Oh, good question.

I hope I only do it when it’s us only.

I think I probably do it in private.

I see this as being another way that a couple can bond.

I’ve seen cross-cultural couples where language was the glue so many times that I could think that you helping her, and frankly, her teaching you Chinese, for that matter, could.

I think that can only make the two of you learn more about each other and make their relationship stronger.

I mean, this is not a relationship show exactly, but there’s even a phrase for it.

You’re her living dictionary.

You are the person that she can turn to for answers.

And maybe you guys should just talk plainly about it and ask her if she’s okay with that.

Find your boundaries and make it a part of the great special thing that the two of you have.

Sure.

We do talk about language all the time.

Sean, she is teaching you Chinese?

Yes.

Very cool.

Which dialect?

Mandarin.

Okay, very good.

Oh, man, you are lucky.

I think I’m very lucky.

It’s an incredible language.

I think it’s very difficult.

-huh.

Yeah, that’s what I gather.

But when you have a romantic partner, it’s much easier than when you just have a teacher.

Yeah, now I have a great motivation.

Exactly, exactly.

You learn the sweet nothings first, right?

Yeah, pillow talk.

Yeah, that’s very handy.

Yeah, I think Grant has a great point that it’s really about how you do it rather than whether you do it.

And it sounds like you’re doing it with a sense of joy and also patience, which I think is really important when you’re learning a foreign language to be able to mess up like your girlfriend did.

And then have the person be patient enough to let you figure out the right way to say it.

Because, Sean, you don’t sound like a know-it-all type, and that’s the one type of person who should not be taking our advice, the person who says, well, no, actually, what you should have said was a badge, not a badge.

You don’t want to be that guy.

Exactly.

I’ll try to be as patient as I can.

That sounds like a good tip.

Well, call us back later on and let us know how it’s going, okay?

Yeah, yeah, send us the baby pictures.

Oh, wow.

You’ve moved us ahead really quickly there.

Congratulations.

I appreciate it very much.

Thanks for calling, Sean.

Thanks, Sean.

Best of luck to you both.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

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