Sincere Niceties

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, this is Alice calling from Tampa.

Hi, Alice. Welcome to the show.

Hey, Alice. What’s up?

Hello. Thank you for having me. I’m such a fan of your show. I just found it.

Nice. Well, welcome. Glad to have you along.

So, I was listening to all the questions, and I came across something when I just moved down here to Tampa. I’m originally from Chicago, and I lived in Atlanta for a couple of years before moving down here.

And when I talk to people here, if I don’t know them that well, especially since I just started with a new company, in response to basically just acknowledging someone, I’ll say, you know, yes, ma’am, or no, sir, yes, sir. Everyone looks at me and says, oh, look at what you picked up living in the South.

And I’m like, what? No. I don’t think that’s a Southern thing. I think it’s a polite thing, but I don’t think it’s particularly Southern. You said it all the time in Chicago.

I did. I’ve said it all the time for as long as I can remember. In Atlanta too. Yeah. Did they feel it was normal there? No, they really didn’t. And I worked in higher education in Atlanta and I worked with people that had advanced degrees. So, you know, when you’re addressing them as doctor, that was fine. But the minute I said, yes, ma’am, or no, sir, they just looked at me kind of puzzled. Like, why are you using that?

So my question to you guys was, is it dying? Is it going away? Who taught you to do that? Was it your parents that taught you to do that? I would assume so. My mom is from Chicago. My dad is from the South. He’s from New Orleans. And my dad is quite a bit older. My dad has the same age as many people my age as grandfather.

Oh, gotcha. It might be an age thing. Do you have siblings who also say ma’am and sir when the occasion arises? I do. I’m curious, can we ask your approximate age or your generation? Are you a millennial or a Gen Xer?

I’m 30.

Okay. 30. That makes you just an edge of millennial then.

Yeah. Well, I think solidly as a Gen Y millennial, something like that.

Sure. I’ve got a lot of thoughts on this, Martha. How about you?

Yeah, I do. One is I do think that there is a strong tradition in the American South of using ma’am and sir that isn’t still apparent in most of the rest of the country. I think the data show that to be true. I think my own experience shows that to be true.

I do also know that we’ve had probably since the 50s a real conflict in America between an increasing informality and a need for other people to show respect through these old traditions and these formal modes of speech. So it hasn’t completely gone away, but there’s a lot of push and pull on when to use it, whether you call somebody by their first name or you say, you know, Ms. Barnette or Mr. Barrett.

We have a lot of this, a lot of these things have fallen away, but yet it’s not so disappeared in parts of the country that we can say that it’s done. But it still catches me up short, I have to say, when I hear it. I mean, usually if I hear it, I think it’s from somebody who was in the military or is in the military.

Yeah, certainly here in San Diego, we hear a lot from military folk who will just, as a matter of habit and custom, say yes, sir, or yes, ma’am.

Okay. I didn’t even think about that. I think you’re in a good position here because this isn’t a habit that is easily taught later in life. And although people may wonder at why you’re being so formal, I don’t think there’s a downside to it unless they think you’re being prissy or that your formality is a way of removing yourself from the situation to show.

Sometimes when you’re angry with somebody, you become very formal and people get these cues from you that formality means that you do not want to engage with them on a one-on-one personal level. But I would say probably most of the time people are going to say, oh, look at her. She’s super polite. How nice is that?

I’m trying to think of the last time that I used either one of those, and I think it was when I was pulled over for speeding.

Oh, talking to a very formal situation, right? When we talk to people in positions of authority, that comes naturally to most of us to say sir or ma’am.

Yeah, but it sounds like it comes trippingly off your tongue. If you’re worried about saying the wrong thing or giving the wrong message, certainly you’re not giving people the language they were expecting to hear. I don’t think you’re doing yourself any damage. I think you’re doing yourself a big favor. I think most people feel a little flattered by that little extra token of respect.

Yeah, especially when it comes naturally to you, which it seems like it does. It doesn’t look like a put-upon at all.

Okay, good. Well, thank you so much. I appreciate your time.

Yeah. But you didn’t call Grant or me, sir, man.

No, I’m curious.

I didn’t. I didn’t. And I think because I didn’t have the opportunity for you to ask me something and I didn’t have a quick answer for it. So thank you, ma’am, for bringing that up.

Right. You do respect us.

Well, Ms. Alice, it was very nice to talk to you. Thank you so much for your call.

Thank you. You guys keep up the wonderful work.

Our pleasure.

Thank you, ma’am. Take care now.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Thanks.

Bye-bye.

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