Possible Implications of “Being Proud” of Someone

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Well, hello, Martha. Hello, Grant. My name is Ross.

Hi, Ross.

I’m calling from Langley Air Force Base in Virginia.

Oh, nice. Fancy place. Welcome to the show.

Yes.

What do you do there?

Well, thank you very much.

Yeah, I’m an analyst. I work with the Air Force as an analyst. I’ve been in for about two years now.

Okay. How can we help you?

Well, I’m calling today with trouble on the word pride or being proud of someone.

Pride and proud.

Recently, my mother got a really big promotion, and I was very happy for her.

And when she and I were speaking about it, I stalled and said to her, I want to tell you I’m proud of you, but that kind of implies that I had anything to do with you getting this job.

And as I said that, I remembered being a groomsman for one of my best friends, and I had a similar problem when I was giving a speech at their wedding.

I was very happy for him, and he’d accomplished much.

He’d set up his own business.

He’d found this great girl, and they were starting a family.

I wanted to say I was proud of him, but that, to me, implies that I had something to do with it.

And in both of those cases, of course, I haven’t, and it seems presumptive of me to say so.

So I’m just wondering if that is true or if there’s another word that is more appropriate than being proud of someone.

I don’t think being happy for someone is sufficient.

I think what, Ross, you’re saying, if I can paraphrase it correctly, you’re saying that you’re looking for a word that’s a little bit more fine-tuned than just proud, because proud encompasses so much.

I suppose so, and I think an aspect of it is that I feel like being proud of someone also has a bit of a social hierarchy distinction.

It seems to me that if my mother were to tell me that she were proud of me, for what I had accomplished in my life and a job that I had or something I’d done, I wouldn’t feel odd about her saying so.

But if I were to tell her that, I would feel odd.

I don’t feel it’s my place to be proud of her, proud for her.

It feels uncomfortable almost.

Interesting. There’s a hierarchical problem with this thing.

Right. I’m picturing.

So it can only move one way.

There’s no backflow on pride here.

It almost feels that way.

I’d like to explore just for a second the idea that you feel that if you say you have pride in your mother or pride in a man who’s about to be married, that somehow you feel like you’re saying that you had some responsibility for that.

I don’t feel pride works that way for me.

I don’t feel that that’s any part of the meaning that I know.

Where do you think you got that from, that idea that pride means somehow that you did something to make that happen?

I suppose maybe there then are two definitions, because I’m thinking if I were proud of an accomplishment of my own, it would be warranted that I own it and that I have been responsible for it.

And so to me, it seems that if I in turn take that word and apply it to someone else, that definition still carries over, that I’m still saying this is something I have accomplished, this is something that I am responsible for, and it is something that I like about myself having done.

It seems to me that it shouldn’t necessarily be this way, and I would like to be able to use pride, and it sounds to me that you’re saying that definition doesn’t exist, and maybe that’s just an overtone I have applied, although my mother has said the same thing.

It’s funny, maybe it speaks to the relationship I share with my mother, but I congratulate her on the promotion, and then we spent like 20 minutes talking about this word in this way.

We’re like, how weird, and we both agree there’s an element of responsibility, and she said the same thing.

She doesn’t like telling me she’s proud of me because she feels I’ve done it and she didn’t, she wasn’t responsible for it.

Now, I disagree with her on that, but that’s a different issue.

Yeah, and I think I’ve had the same experience, Ross, with peers.

I have a close friend who accomplished something recently, and I kind of tripped over saying, I’m proud of you.

Because it feels condescending.

Exactly.

Okay.

I mean, I can buy these, I can totally buy the meanings that you have for pride and proud here, and I think there’s sufficient evidence here that you probably should avoid them because you’re probably not alone in this.

I see a bunch of cases online here where here’s an example of families eating at a restaurant.

The waiter recites the whole order from memory back to the table without notes.

And one of the people at the table says, wow, I’m so proud of you.

You remembered everything.

And the rest of the family jumps on this person and says, how are you proud of her?

You didn’t have anything to do with that.

Oh, exactly.

And so you guys are not alone on this.

It’s interesting.

What would you say instead, that I’m so happy for you?

Yes, and to me, insufficient.

That doesn’t quite encapsulate everything about it.

I mean, it’s not just that I’m happy.

It’s more like I’m trying to acknowledge the effort and the challenge and the success.

You earned this.

You deserve this.

You’re in exactly the place that somebody who’s as awesome as you needs to be or should be.

I don’t know.

That’s a lot of words, though.

Saying I’m proud for you, maybe using just a different preposition would be more appropriate.

I was just going to say that, Ross. Same thing.

Proud for you instead of proud of you?

Or some, yeah, some variation of the preposition.

Well, you’ve given us a lot to chew on here, Ross. I’m not sure that we got to the bottom of this.

I’m really interested in the discrepancy between your understanding of proud and prideful and pride and mine.

And I think we have to put this out to the listeners and find out if other people have opinions on this.

What do you think about saying that you’re proud of somebody for their accomplishments?

Is that condescending?

Does it somehow imply that you had a hand in that success?

Let us know, 877-929-9673, or email us, words@waywordradio.org.

Ross, thank you so much.

This is quite a one to chew on.

Well, thank you.

I’m a huge fan, and it is an honor to be involved here.

Thank you very much.

Oh, it’s our pleasure.

Great to have you.

Give us a call anytime, all right?

Yeah, thank you.

Take care now.

Bye-bye.

Thanks, Ross.

Bye-bye.

Well, we know you’ve got opinions on this.

You can talk about it on Facebook with us, a Facebook group, a Facebook page, or give us a call, 877-929-9673, or tell us your feelings about the word pride and proud in email to words@waywordradio.org.