Mary Gordon Has a Story

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Well, I sure am glad I do.

Who’s this?

Oh, sorry, I was so excited to be talking to you that I forgot to talk.

My name is Mary Gordon, and it’s a double first name, like Peggy Sue, and I’m calling from Austin, Texas.

And the reason I’m calling is because I called once last year, and Grant said to me, I know he didn’t say it to anybody else, call us back sometime, and so I am.

Well, I am delighted that you did call us back.

What can we do for you, Mary Gordon?

Well, here’s the deal.

I’ve got to tell you a quick story and then tell you I don’t know how to tell it without y’all.

The last time I took my day to the doctor, he was 95 years old and still eccentric and beautiful as ever.

So I took him into the doctor’s office. This is in a little town called Brownwood, Texas.

And the doctor was checking his skin out and said, Mr. Spence, will you unbutton your shirt?

So my daddy did, and as he unbuttoned his shirt, all these things fell out that he had stuffed in his shirt while he was wearing it.

And they were yellow crookneck squash or squashies.

Now, here’s where I’m having trouble.

I don’t know how you refer to a single squash.

So for a head of lettuce, you can say a head of lettuce or an ear of corn.

But I don’t know how to talk about the 10 squash that fell out of his shirt at the doctor’s office.

And that’s real important to the story because he would want me to include that his yellow squash crop that year was just fabulous.

So how do we talk about a squash?

Oh, my gosh.

Just one squash.

Or were they gourd squash or they’re edible squash?

Edible squash.

They’re yellow crooknets.

I don’t know if y’all have those.

Oh, sure.

We have them in Texas.

Now, I looked it up on the web because I didn’t want to put too much pressure on y’all.

And Mr. Google said that the plural of squash is squashes.

Huh.

But have y’all ever heard of that?

Sure.

Yeah, and he had 10 of them in his shirt?

Yeah, they were small.

And he’s a big man, so he had somewhere under his arm.

And the doctor, I’m sure, threw him away.

But anyway, he had them stuffed all around his shirt.

But they were all just packed in there.

And he always does that.

He takes a little something to somebody, and then he’s hoping to get a discount on his medical bills.

But anyway, how do we say 10 squash or squash-ises?

I think I would say 10 squash.

I would say 10 squashes.

But if it’s under his shirt and in his armpits, maybe the collective noun is squish.

Maybe it was a squish of squashes?

Ten squished squashes is.

Now, we can say five squash plants, but I don’t know how to.

I mean, I’ll go and buy zucchini, and I’ll say I want three zucchini, but I just don’t know if that’s correct, and I need your help.

Yeah, you can say squashes for sure.

I can tell you.

I just gave a speech to a bunch of gardeners, and they all say squashes.

Oh, thank you.

I knew you’d be the expert, but never did I think for gardening, so thank you.

So you can say 10 squashes.

Oh, absolutely.

Or 10 squashes.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think the other point is, Mary Gordon, you must tell this story because it’s a great story.

Well, if you knew my daddy, this is only one of his little eccentricities.

After that, we went to the hospital administrator where he took out another five or ten tomatoes.

From where?

But I know how to say ten tomatoes.

Wait, where were the tomatoes?

I have to ask.

Well, you know, they were in a big pocket.

He wears a wool sweater all year long, so they were in his pocket.

Now, he has snuck a dachshund into the hospital in one of his pockets before to see somebody.

So you just never know when he unbuttons his shirt what is going to fall out.

But he does grow beautiful squash and squashes.

Wow.

And we just never know what we’re going to get when we say hello, you have A Way with Words.

And, you know, here’s what I do.

I have to duct tape my mouth and my arms together so I won’t call you all more often because I just have so many questions and so many comments, you know, about language.

I am wearing a T-shirt right now that says I’m silently correcting your grammar.

Oh, dear.

And I try to wear it wherever I go.

Well, you are really, you’re the bright spot in my day every day.

So I really thank you for that.

Take care of yourself, Mary Gordon.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your call.

Bye-bye.

877-929-9673.