Invitation Etiquette

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, this is Megan Hopley calling from Tallahassee.

Hi, Megan. Welcome to the show.

Hello, Megan.

Well, I have a question about addressing wedding invitations.

So I’m getting married in the fall.

Congratulations. Nice.

And I’m having a bit of a dilemma.

So I’m generally considered to be sort of a stickler for proper language usage and etiquette amongst friends and coworkers.

There’s no living up to my mother’s expectations, and apparently she thinks I’m way off the mark.

Well, there’s never any living up to your mother’s expectations, right?

Very hard to live up to.

So my question is one of addressing the envelope, and specifically, I guess, according to Emily Post and tradition in general, it would be, for example, Mr. And Mrs. Patrick Hinchy.

And I’m just not comfortable with the woman being robbed of her given name.

So I would suggest Mr. Patrick and Mrs. Catherine Hinchy or some such.

But my mother thinks I’m being terribly gauche.

So maybe you can help.

She thinks you’re being gauche.

Well, I think she’s concerned that I’m, you know, just completely ambivalent of rules and society and tradition.

And what does she think will happen if you address them that way?

That’s a good question.

Perhaps she’s concerned about the signals that would be sent to our guests who are older or just more traditional and might somehow, you know, take a front at a usage that’s not traditional.

The gifts will be smaller. Instead of a four-slot toaster, it will be a two-slot toaster.

But in the end, I want to make sure, of course, that my dear mom is happy as well.

Is she paying for the wedding?

So that’s a little bit tricky.

I know it’s prying.

She and the mother very generously pay for a large portion of the wedding.

Okay.

It matters.

That’s part of the formula.

It’s part of the calculus.

But Martha and I are giving each other this eye that says our ESP is working, and I think we’re in agreement here, Megan.

I think we are.

You are a 38-year-old intelligent woman who can do what she likes, and you should.

Okay.

You’re not a Vanderbilt.

It’s not 1870.

People aren’t coming to your wedding in horse-drawn carriages.

I mean, this is the modern age.

Modern wedding address envelope etiquette is that everybody gets equal billing.

Well, okay.

I mean, I completely agree with you, but I’m thinking about the people who are expecting old-fangled invitations.

Will they really be offended?

I mean, I would be glad to be invited to your wedding.

There’s another thing.

Meek and I have an idea.

It is the modern age.

This means we have data.

Can you just go down your wedding list and say everyone over the age of, say, 60 gets the old fengal style and everyone under the age of 60 gets your style?

I guess I like the idea of sort of making a case-by-case decision instead of a writ large decision.

So we can look at the guest list and make a decision about who gets which type of label or dressing on the label.

Yeah, Megan, I think that’s really smart.

I mean, Emily Post has said that etiquette is about treating people with consideration, respect, and honesty.

And it’s all in the service of building relationships.

And so I think you’ve really keyed in on the answer there.

Do us a favor. We’d love to hear how you and your mother resolve this together and find that mutually acceptable solution. All right?

Well, I’m going to send you both an invitation, and I’m going to have to wrestle with how to address it.

That’s great. I’ll have the chicken.

Please do.

Thank you. And congratulations and good luck with this.

I don’t think you’re supposed to congratulate the bride.

You congratulate the groom.

Remember, I threw out my etiquette books.

I don’t know any of these things.

Megan, thanks for calling.

Thank you both.

Best of luck to you.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

877-929-9673.