I Feel vs. I Think

Hi, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, this is Connie. I’m calling from Denver, Colorado.

Welcome, Connie. What can we do for you?

Well, I have sort of a multi-part question about something that I’ve noticed.

My husband and I have a 22-year-old daughter and a 20-year-old son. A few years ago, when listening to our kids speaking with their friends, I noticed that they use this phrase, I feel like, constantly.

And the reason it really sort of stuck out to me is that most of the time, they would use it when they’re really not talking about a feeling situation at all, and when, in fact, it might have been more accurate or appropriate to say, I think, or I suppose, or it seems to me.

But instead, they always just use this default phrase, I feel like. And sometimes it was tacked onto the beginning of a sentence that it didn’t even need to be, almost like a verbal tick.

What I started wondering is, number one, is this really a new phenomenon in speech or has it been there all the time? And I’m just now noticing it. But I also wondered, is it just a young person thing?

But I listened to a tremendous amount of audio content. For the last 10 years, I’ve been going legally blind. And so now I no longer really interact with print at all. So my interaction with language is all auditory, and I hear it. It’s ubiquitous. I listen to a tremendous number of podcasts.

It’s been interesting because it’s almost been my own little social experiment. I want to find out how many people are saying this. It seems there’s a tendency often in our language to be so nice and so accommodating that it seems like we use a lot of softening phrases.

And to me, I’m wondering if it’s being used as one of those softening phrases, you know, sort of those social lubricants that we all use so that we don’t seem too strident or as if we’re asserting ourselves too strongly.

I don’t love it because to me it smacks a little bit of sloppy speech. I think the language is so vibrant and diverse, they could use something that’s more accurate.

You know, now that we live in an age where we can all just listen to 12 podcasts in a row on our iPhone and where kids use social media and young adults, you know, became so high usage in social media before a lot of their parents did.

I’m wondering if this is one of those language things that has gone from teens and moved up and is now in heavy usage among adults. There’s a lot to be said here.

You are asking some great questions. I love the way that you think. You have a lovely voice to boot.

Yes. I would love to have an hour or two to talk to you about what it is like to go legally blind, but I wonder if listening to that much audio has given us the answer to your first question.

Are you suffering from the recency illusion? That’s what we call it. And I think that you are a little bit, but not by much.

It’s certainly been noticed, the I feel versus the I think thing, for at least 15 years, and it’s probably gone back further than that. There are any number of places where you can find people asking a question about this from years ago, it being answered.

So, yeah, I think a little bit of what you’re hearing is just because you’re listening to people who are talking in a dialogue format where they are expected, to answer your other question, to provide some social lubricant so they don’t come off as blunt or brusque.

Right. And we do use that. Fortunately, I have an answer for you on a little bit of this that you didn’t quite ask.

There was a study done by some people at Stanford University a few years ago. It’s really, really interesting stuff. Zachary Tamala and Nicole Meyer talked to some people in this study, and they used a phrase like, I feel like I should donate blood versus I think I should donate blood.

And they used other examples as well and found that if you prefaced a sentence with I feel versus I think, it was received differently, even though all other factors were equal.

And people were more willing to listen to you if they themselves tended to be emotionally responsive or considered themselves or were noticed to be emotionally interactive people. Whereas people who were cognitively oriented, that is, they were more interested in hard facts and thinking processes and working through a solution, they were more likely to respond to, I think I should donate blood.

It was really interesting. I’m probably short-circuiting this whole study, but that is all to say there is a difference between these, and I feel does open the door to other people having a difference of opinion with you without either one of you feeling like you’re being confronted.

Okay, that’s fascinating. And you know, one thing, Grant, that was kind of interesting to me, I started wondering if maybe as women, we are sometimes more likely to use those softening things, especially like a woman in a boardroom situation or something like that.

But I will say in all of the various NPR programs and slate programs and just all the podcasts and whatnot that I listen to, it seems to me, and of course, this is a small study, it’s just basically Connie’s listening habits, but it seems ubiquitous among men as well.

I have not noticed that it’s in higher usage among women. In sociolinguistics, though, young women tend to be the innovators and tend to spread new speech habits out to the larger communities of older people and to men.

Really? Yes, they do. I mean, it’s not like it’s, you know, a 90-10 thing split on that, but they are more likely to show new language habits before any other group, young women. And so I’m not surprised.

The other thing I think we need to say here is that there are a number of different kind of conflict resolution strategies that are taught both in private therapy, group therapy, in work situations, in professional development, in any kind of diplomatic circles that use language very much like the, I feel like you are saying X, but I think we need to talk about Y.

There’s all these very specific constructions that are offered as linguistic tools to get you to a point of resolution. And it’s really interesting how much this reminds me of that, just this kind of a natural paving, smoothing the road to get to a good end goal.

Well, it’s interesting because I, on the other hand, know that I do that a lot, and I’m trying to train myself not to do it.

Because you feel that you’re being shorted or slighted or people don’t take you as seriously?

Yes. I’ll use all kinds of softening language, and I often realize that I don’t need it. You know, I have friends who will say, instead of, I feel like we should do this, people will say, the truth is we should do that.

And so I’m trying to use that kind of language because I do think that sometimes you can get passed over.

That’s so interesting that you bring that up. That’s something I’ve really thought about a good bit, probably especially more with our daughter, Vice, our son, mainly because, I mean, goodness, you know that, what’s her name, Cheryl Sandberg?

Sandberg, you know, the lean-in author. And recently I think she and a gentleman from the Wharton School released some information about how women are treated so much differently. Their communication style is looked at very differently in a boardroom situation.

And they were talking about how many times women are cut off very quickly when they begin speaking and how a woman speaking the exact same number of words in a setting as a man, she’s considered being like as if she’s speaking too much, as if she’s being strident, whereas a man would not.

And so I have, and of course, you know, I feel totally like I can get pedantic and corrective with my own children. I never would with their friends.

But with my daughter especially, I’ve said, you know, I think it’s more powerful speech. Don’t couch everything in feelings because I do worry that as women, that’s how we can be perceived in the world.

I completely agree. But the other thing is to understand that sometimes when I feel is being said, I think is being meant. And so just talking, using the word feel doesn’t mean that you’re talking about feelings.

I just want to wrap this up, Connie, and say I really recommend that you look up the Stanford Business Review.

They have this study by Zachary Tormala and Nicole Meyer about I think versus I feel.

Basically, if you just look for Tormala, I think, I feel, you’ll come up with it on the Internet.

It’s totally a really good read.

They’ve kind of laid out some of the differences here in the way people perceive people, other people who use I feel versus I think.

Okay?

Oh, I love that.

I want to do a deep dive on this.

Who knows why, but it’s very fascinating to me.

Give us a call again sometime, Connie, all right?

Thank you so much.

Take care now.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Have a great day.

Bye-bye.

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