How to Address a Child’s Nonbinary Partner

Hello, you have A Way with Words.

Hi, it’s Kathy Donnelly.

I’m calling from the bucolic town of Beaumont, Pennsylvania, which is kind of near Wilkes-Barrell.

Hi, Kathy.

How are you?

We’re doing good.

Thanks for asking.

What’s going on?

I have a son who is currently dating a trans…

See, that’s the thing. They’re not really… They’ve decided they’re just binary, that they’re not really trans one or trans the other or anything really, which is fine. But I am having a hell of a time with the pronouns.

The main reason is I think it’s a brain thing. I swear to God I do because this person looks and sounds like a woman. But they prefer either he or they. And they were visiting. They brought their child, who is a girl, age 10, up, and they were visiting. And the very first thing I did, I mean, talk about embarrassing yourself. The very first thing I did is I come down, and it’s morning, and I say, good morning, ladies. And then I just wanted to die and kill myself and just jump into a big hole.

And you apologize, and you say, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, blah, blah, blah. But they don’t forget. It’s in there now. And it’s just, it’s like, why am I having such a hard time with this particular aspect of language? You know, it’s like my brain just won’t do it. And I ascribe that to being old, but I’m not sure that’s what it is. It’s just, it’s making me crazy.

I mean, I teach college and I have students that identify as trans. They look and sound more like what they’re transitioning into. Do you know what I’m saying? So it’s not as hard. The thing that they tell you is if you meet somebody and they say, my name is Robert, but I like to be called Bob, you’re not going to call them Robert. You’re going to call them Bob because that’s what they like to be called.

Exactly. Why could you call this person what they like to be called? And it’s just like, I am trying so hard. Nobody has better intentions than me. But you know what the nuns used to say? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I don’t know how to switch that switch in my brain or whatever.

I think we can help you a little bit here. Martha, don’t you think that Kathy’s starting from a good position?

I think you’re starting from a fantastic position. I’m curious how your son and his sweetie reacted.

Oh, they know very much that I am an ally and that I will do everything I can to support whatever they want to do. So they’re just like, yeah, you’re old. We get it. But it’s like, I want to do this right. I really want to do this right. And I am having a hell of a time.

Well, talking about communicating, it seems to me that you’re really communicating your good intentions in a big, big way. I mean, this is new to so many people, and it takes practice, just like learning another language would take practice. But I think, as Grant said, I mean, you’re way out in front with communicating your intentions. And I think that that’s such a huge part of this because ideally language should be about connecting people.

And I think if you look at it from their perspective, I mean, you know, if somebody tells you their pronouns. That’s what tells me. The language part, the connecting part, it feels like I’m not doing my part. It feels like I’m not, you know, reaching out to the double yellow line. They are. They have to because they live in this society. I want credit for reaching out to the double yellow line, but I can’t get that until I get the damn pronouns right. You know?

I think you get credit for trying.

I do, too. You get credit for trying and trying. You get a ribbon. Your love and affection will show through as you keep trying and trying. And the conflict here is that you worry about being seen as a bad person rather than as someone who just made a mistake. And there’s a very big difference between those two things. It’s not a bad person. It’s just somebody that doesn’t think enough or doesn’t care enough, you know? But it sounds like you care a lot. I’m hearing love. I’m hearing affection. I’m hearing how distraught you are shows that love and affection.

Look, if you want a linguistic explanation, what you’re having to do here is add into this list of pronouns that you learned vicariously. You absorbed your understanding of English language pronouns without really having to think about it from the people around you as a child before you ever went into school. And they’re in your brain in a deep way. And now you’re consciously having to add this new pronoun paradigm into that kind of deep understanding of pronouns that you’ve never had to really articulate. And that’s the conflict happening here is that you’re having to put an intellectual understanding of a new pronoun paradigm on top of kind of a intuitive emotional understanding of pronouns.

Yeah, and that’s work for you, Kathy. But I’m also thinking about the other person because they’ve been dealing with this very problem a whole lot longer than other people. You know, I mean, I’m thinking from the perspective of a gay person. I mean, for example, you never come out just once and have it done with. Your whole life is a process of coming out again and again and again and again, whether you’re at the doctor’s office or you meet somebody new.

And it can be exhausting. And I just I cannot tell you how how grateful one can be when somebody makes that effort, you know, reaches out to you toward toward that double yellow line. I think you’re doing a fantastic job. I understand the frustration, but I think you’ll get there.

The other thing is just exposure. I mean, I would recommend if you haven’t seen it, the Netflix special called Disclosure. You might think of it as an all trans companion piece to the movie The Celluloid Closet, which was about onscreen depictions of gay people through the years. And this one is is about onscreen depictions of trans people through the years. And I think just just exposure is really, really helpful that way. So the video is called Disclosure, and I would highly recommend it.

Immediately.

I’m going to immediately go do that right now.

Cool.

All right. Kathy, keep us updated. Let us know how it’s going, all right?

All right. Will do. Thanks, you guys.

All right. Take care. Be well. Go get them.

Bye-bye.

You too.

Bye-bye.

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