Elements of Smile Word Quiz

You’re listening to A Way with Words. I’m Martha Barnette.

And I’m Grant Barrett.

And joining us once again is our quiz guy, Greg Pliska.

Hello, Greg.

Hello, Grant.

What are you doing over there?

I am wondering why I’m being called a quiz guy instead of a quiz assist.

What happened? It was either puzzle guy or quiz assist.

Now we’ve conflated that into the term quiz guy.

We grew tired of it, weary of it.

We put the word out and really word nista came up.

You know, that’s a Stephen Colbert word. We weren’t sure.

You guys, the language is always developing with you guys.

It’s amazing.

It’s not pejorative.

Quiz guy.

What did you want?

Quiz master?

No, that’s you.

Mr. Quiz.

Senior Quiz.

Mr. Quizard.

Sir Quizard.

Quiz in charge.

Mr. Quizard.

I like that.

Sergeant Quiz.

Yeah, exactly.

General Quiz.

Every time you come on, we’ll have a trumpet blast.

I’ll write it.

I’ll write the music.

Well, hey, Sergeant Quiz, what’s been going on since the last time you threw down the gauntlet here?

So you want to hear about the music or you want to do the puzzle?

Let’s hear about the music.

Actually, I have a question for you.

How well do you remember high school chemistry?

N-A-T-L?

H-2-O?

You remember the periodic table of the elements?

N-2-S-O-4?

Well, here’s why I ask, because today’s puzzle…

You found that a few of them could be turned into puns and you’re going to milk it for all it’s worth.

You got it.

Well, no, today’s puzzle I’m calling Elements of Smile.

Oh!

And it depends, fortunately for you.

I like how you pause so we can laugh.

Yeah.

Just pause so you can catch up, really.

Oh.

Fortunately for you, this puzzle depends not at all upon your dubious teenage study habits.

I aced physics.

Yeah, this is chemistry, though.

Oh.

All of these chemical elements I’m going to quiz you on are not in the periodic table.

Rather, they are simply words that end with the letters I-U-M.

Oh, like unobtainium.

Right, exactly.

Wow.

What I’ll do is give you a fanciful or punny definition of a word as if it were a chemical element, and then you tell me the word.

For example, I might say, babies born early have an abundance of this element in their bloodstreams.

Premium.

Exactly, premium.

Because the preemie is short for premature.

All words that end with I-U-M, and they’re not really chemical elements.

All right, enough with the hedging.

Let them loose.

Here we go.

An element found in department stores.

Elevator, escalatorium.

Creditcardium.

Dedium.

Dedium.

Miserium.

Bad serviceium.

Macyzium.

Blooming Dalium.

Fourth floor lingerium.

I have no idea.

It’s a more general word.

More general word associated with department stores.

In fact, it’s a synonym for department store.

Omnium?

Emporium.

Emporium, exactly.

That wasn’t very punny.

That was a very direct clue.

Here’s a punnier one.

You sound apologetic.

I feel bad, too.

It’s actually a little defensive.

Defensium.

This element causes negative reactions in taxpayers.

You get the chemistry pun there with reactions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Negative reactions.

Oh.

What would cause a negative reaction in you as a taxpayer?

Assuming you did pay your taxes, of course.

Nobody knows about that.

The last thing anybody wants to have done after you file your taxes.

Auditorium.

Auditorium.

That’s right.

Where’s the vomitorium?

Now you’ve ruined it.

Now I can’t use that one.

All right.

Element produced after one of these puns.

Vomitorium.

That’s correct.

Okay.

Here’s another one.

We’re going to talk a little bit about music here.

Lots of effluvium here.

This element is used to make instruments in the brass family.

That’s actually used to make one specific instrument in the brass family.

Tubium.

As we say, trombonium, French hornium.

It’s smaller than a tuba.

Smaller than a tuba.

Bigger than a trombone.

Cornet.

Baritoneum?

No.

Oh, it is also sometimes called a baritone.

Oh, it’s a flugelhornium.

French hornium.

No.

See, all the musicians out there, all the brass musicians, know this one.

They’re yelling at their radios.

I know, I know.

My friends in the brass band are just going to kill me.

It’s such a beautiful sound, too.

It’s a beautiful sound.

And if something has a beautiful sound, you would say it is, what’s the, I believe it’s a Greek-rooted word that you would say.

It means something is beautiful sounding.

California?

No.

If I said that.

If euphonious?

Yes.

Oh, the euphonium.

Euphonium.

Oh, hello.

So named because it does have a beautiful, mellow, round tone.

Oh, it’s gorgeous.

I like how Martha and I both go, oh, in chorus.

We do have some musical skills.

Is that a Greek word?

Yeah.

All right.

Here’s another one for you.

This element has the atomic number 1,000.

I was going to say millium, but…

Millennium?

Millennium.

Millennium.

Absolutely.

Martha’s instincts were good.

They tipped me off.

That was a good teamwork thing.

Yeah.

All right.

This one I have to apologize for in advance.

Between us, we have a brain and a half, so…

I’ll give you another one here.

All right.

When he always adds another one, Martha, I call that the apology question.

It’s the one where he leaves us feeling a little better about ourselves instead of miserable at our failures.

I don’t think this is that one.

Sorry.

Oh, no.

If you find yourself falling asleep watching actors named Kilmer, you probably have this element in your system.

Valium.

Valium.

It was an easy one.

It was an easy one.

Well, Greg, those were amazing, and I’m sorry we have to cesium.

It felt like a load of effluvium to me, actually.

Wait, I already said that word.

But thanks a lot.

Thank you. It’s always a pleasure.

If you’re puzzling over a language question, the number to call is 1-877-929-9673, or email us.

The address is words@waywordradio.org.

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