Sure, it's scary to send your writing to a literary agent. But pity the poor agent who must wade through hundreds of terrible query letters a week! One of them shares excerpts from those hilariously bad query letters on a blog called SlushPile Hell. And get ready for some colorful conversation: Purple cows do exist--only they're made with grape soda and ice cream. And yes, Virginia, there IS an English word that rhymes with "orange"! Plus, catawampus, mesmerize, all's I'm saying, plus messing and gauming.
This episode first aired October 18, 2013.
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Slushpile Hell Blog Letters
A query letter from SlushPile Hell, the blog of a curmudgeonly literary agent, reads, "Have you ever wished you had represented the author of the Holy Bible and placed it with a publisher?" Erm, sure.
Fiddlesticks
The exclamation Fiddlesticks!, meaning "a trifle" or "something insignificant or absurd," goes back to the time of Shakespeare. It endures in part because it's fun to say.
Stiletto Made of Sugar
Dorothy Parker, known for her acerbic wit, was once described as "a stiletto made of sugar."
Ocupado
What do you say when you're in a restroom and someone knocks on the door? Many people answer Ocupado!, which has made its way from bilingual signage--including old airline seat cards from the 1960's--to common speech.
Miss Word Pageant Quiz
Our Quiz Guy John Chaneski struts his stuff with a Miss Word beauty pageant for words beginning with "mis-."
All's I'm Saying
All's, as in the common clause all's you have to do, isn't grammatically incorrect. It's a valid contraction of the archaic construction all as.
The Writing is Final
Another cocksure query letter received by the book agent at SlushPile Hell includes the line: "The writing is final, and I do not want it changed." Okay, then.
Dead On
The idiom dead on, meaning "precisely," might sound morbid, but it makes sense. It's a reference to the fact that death is certain and absolute.
Better Door than a Window
When someone's standing in front of the TV, do you shout, "Move over!" or something more creative? How about "Your daddy weren't no glassmaker," or "You make a better door than a window."
Messing and Gauming
Messing and gauming, meaning "dawdling and getting intro trouble," comes from gaum, a term for something sticky and smeary like axle grease or mud. A baby with schmutz all over his face is all gaumed up.
No Arguing with Samuel Johnson
Oliver Goldsmith observed that there was no use arguing with lexicographer Samuel Johnson, because "when his pistol misses fire, he knocks you down with the butt end of it."
Mesmerize
The term mesmerize, meaning to attract strongly or hold spellbound, comes from Franz Mesmer, the German doctor who purported to heal people by righting their internal magnetic forces.
Insure vs. Ensure
Insure and ensure mean two different things now, but back when the U.S. Constitution was penned, they were interchangeable. Hence the line in the preamble to insure domestic tranquility.
Dog Wrote a Book
Another overly optimistic query to the book agent at SlushPile Hell reads in part: "My dog has written a book on how to be a success."
Purple Cows
Gelett Burgess famously wrote I never saw a purple cow, but plenty of folks know a purple cow to be a grape soda float.
Rhymes with Orange
There's a proper noun out there that rhymes with orange, and it's The Blorenge, a hill in Wales.
Catawampus
Catawampus, meaning "askew," can be spelled at least 15 different ways. It likely derives from the English word cater, meaning "diagonal. "
Jealous of the Grand Canyon
J.B. Priestley once described George Bernard Shaw as being so peevish, he refused to admire the Grand Canyon because "he was jealous of it."
This episode is hosted by Martha Barnette and Grant Barrett, and produced by Stefanie Levine.
Photo by Fredrik Rubensson. Used under a Creative Commons license.
Music Used in the Broadcast
| Title | Artist | Album | Label |
|---|---|---|---|
| Cirrus | Bonobo | Cirrus | Ninja Tune |
| Horny Tickle | Clutchy Hopkins | Walking Bachwards | Ubiquity |
| Skull Session | Oliver Nelson | Skull Session | Flying Dutchman |
| On The Hill | Oliver Sain | On The Hill | Vanessa Records |
| Keep On Sockin' It Children | Phil Flowers and The Flower Shop | Keep On Sockin' It Children | A&M Records |
| One Note Brown | The New Mastersounds | Keb Darge Presents: The New Mastersounds | Cooker Records |
| Roctober | Clutchy Hopkins | Walking Bachwards | Ubiquity |
| Rock Dirge Pt 1 | Sly Stone | Every Dog Has His Day | Selected Sound Carrier AG |
| Josus | The New Mastersounds | Tallest Man Records | Tallest Man Records |
| Freckles | The New Mastersounds | Breaks From The Border | Tallest Man Records |
| Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off | Ella Fitzgerald | Ella Fitzgerald Ella Fitzgerald Sings The George and Ira Gershwin Song Book | Verve |
Thirty-eight followers on Twitter may not sound like much, but remember: the writer is a dog, so it's equivalent to 266 people.
Regarding the oft-cited "fact" that no English word rhymes with "orange" ... I still think proper nouns are ineligible. Unless "blorenge" is also a common noun (to my knowledge it is not). Couldn't find it in any dictionary I use.
Dictionary.com cites "sporange" (a sac where spores are formed) as one possible rhyme. But only a botanist would know that. Spell-check flags that word, not surprisingly.
Personally, I like "door-hinge" as a rhyme for "orange." Sure, it's hyphenated, but that pushes the rules less than using proper nouns. If I was writing a poem, I would not hesitate to use it as a rhyme for "orange."
Heimhenge said
Regarding the oft-cited "fact" that no English word rhymes with "orange" ... I still think proper nouns are ineligible. Unless "blorenge" is also a common noun (to my knowledge it is not). Couldn't find it in any dictionary I use.
Dictionary.com cites "sporange" (a sac where spores are formed) as one possible rhyme. But only a botanist would know that. Spell-check flags that word, not surprisingly.
Personally, I like "door-hinge" as a rhyme for "orange." Sure, it's hyphenated, but that pushes the rules less than using proper nouns. If I was writing a poem, I would not hesitate to use it as a rhyme for "orange."
But, proper names are 'proper' for poems:
You can't harvest an orange
On top of the Blorenge.
It might be something we can do
if industry keeps spewing CO2.
Does gloamin have common roots with gauming?
About 30 years ago, I talked with Dick Dell (of *that* Dell family, but working for someone else) if it was worth my effort to write the "biography" of a company. I figured that marketing to the company and their employees, their suppliers, customers and competitors would generate the first 500 sales as easy as falling off a ladder, but the odds of getting another 1000 sales was pretty dismal. He told me that most editors would welcome a book with those prospects, as 80-90% of all books had an initiual press run of 1000, and maybe 300 were bound.
So I wouldn't poo-poo that dog author. The only other dog author I can think of, Millie Bush, had a first printing of 100,000 copies, and had multiple printings..
Sir Joshua said, what I have often thought, that he wondered to find so much good writing employed in them [critical reviews], when the authors were to remain unknown, and so could not have the motive of fame.
Johnson: "Nay, Sir, those who write in them, write well, in order to be paid well."
"There, but for a typographical error, is the story of my life" - D. Parker