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From a Scientific American article on LIWC (pronounced like the name "Luke"), a.k.a. "Linguistic Inquiry and Word Count":
# Gender: In general, women tend to use more pronouns and references to other people. Men are more likely to use articles, prepositions and big words.
# Age: As people get older, they typically refer to themselves less, use more positive-emotion words and fewer negative-emotion words, and use more future-tense verbs and fewer past-tense verbs.
Does the age thing surprise you? Lots more interesting stuff here.
At some point in college, I accused my boyfriend of using long words unnecessarily, and he said, "Well, the most important thing is to be precise when you are talking." I replied, "No, the most important thing is to be understood!" He was so surprised; I don't think it had ever occurred to him that mutual understanding was as important as precision on the part of the speaker. Just an anecdote about two people, but it came to my mind when I read that men tend to use big words more often than women.
Seeing this anecdote reminds me of Grice's Maxims and my wife. I will tell my wife that I am going to the grocer's and the post office, and then ask if she wants anything. (I am clearly keeping in mind Grice's maxim of quantity, stating my objectives in a factual and quantifiable manner) My wife will then reply "no", with the subtext that if I truly loved her, I would get her at least a chocolate bar while I am out. (this clearly is keeping with Grice's maxim of relevance since this is an a priori for the conversation)
Man speaks to be understood in fact; women, in fact, speak to be understood.
Aignt love grand?
At one point I learned about the rabbinical custom to refuse a convert's request three times, and granting it only upon the fourth request.
Rabbinical custom
I find this custom useful in these situations.
So taking your example, if I believe my wife wants somethimg, but isn't saying so — the way she holds her mouth is a dead giveaway — I will ask four times, not in rapid succession. On the fourth time I will remind her that I have asked three other times, and that I think she might want something, but that I don't know what it is, and that this time I will be forced to take her word for it. That usually starts the constructive discussion. When it doesn't, I feel I have done my level best.
Martha Barnette
Grant Barrett
Grant Barrett
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