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My husband and I have an ongoing debate about the use of the word "should." He uses it frequently. "Should we go now?" "He shouldn't have been so loud last night." I am really conservative about using it in statements or in questions. To me, when it's used in statements it implies judgement that I think is unnecessary. In questions where the person asking the question is tied to the question ("Should I take that upstairs?"), it puts the responder in a position of directing the questionner and absolves the questionner of personal responsibility. I'm curious to hear other thoughts about what is implied in use of the word should. Thanks!
I have the same understanding of it. The person is soliciting opinions from others regarding the best course of action, e.g. one that is most ethical, most beneficial, etc. But not necessarily out of any desire to avoid responsibilities or to assume an inferior position- bosses will use 'Should we...' when asking advices from subordinates.
I agree with RobertB. I tried to think of alternate ways to word your husband's question and I came up with, "Is it time to go now?" If he says, "It is time to go now." It fails to offer to hear your opinion which might be a question of courtesy.
As for the statement, it does not just imply his judgement, It definitely states his judgement. Whether that is necessary or not is between the two of you.
I think I know where you are coming from, though. I have seen spouses and even children word questions and statements such that if someone else makes a decision based on what they said, the person who made the question or statement can deny any responsibility for the outcome.
I can imagine this conversation on the way home after your husband's question:
wife: I wished we had stayed longer.
husband: Well, you said it was time to go.
wife: I thought you wanted to go.
husband: Not me, I just asked if it was time.
If this is what you are up against, your problem is not what words to use but a question of attitude.
Martha Barnette
Grant Barrett
Grant Barrett
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